The Post Truth Post

Tories and Labour lose more seats than the Titanic’s deckchair attendant

Nigel Farage looking smug

The Brexit Party was the clear winner in the UK’s European elections with the two traditional parties suffering losses on a scale that has previously only been enjoyed by investors in Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc.

Voters overwhelmingly held the Conservatives responsible for everything that they are in fact responsible for while slapping Labour for failing to score in an open goal for three years.

Nick Clegg’s appointment to Facebook appears to have given a boost to the Liberal Democrats with the “Bollocks to Brexit” party bagging a silver medal.

Plucky political startup, Change UK, remained positive despite not winning a single seat with Heidi Allen telling BBC 5 Live “yeah, we will probably join the Lib Dems next time round.”

Newspapers doubled in size this morning as each of the Conservative leadership hopefuls published opinion pieces on why their party’s failure was the fault of Theresa May, Europe, and one or more of the other eight contenders for the Tory throne.

Due to asparagus season, Jeremy Corbyn was busy on his allotment leaving it to his deputy, Tom Watson, to suggest that maybe now was the time for the Labour Party to have an opinion on Brexit. 

UKIP got a right kicking but were later heard mouthing off in the pub about how they got jumped but could “definitely ‘ave ‘um in a fair fight.”

Appearing on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage achieved a level of smugness that is sure to result in a new Guinness world record.

“I’ve been elected in an election that elects unelected bureaucrats and that definitely proves my point about Europe being undemocratic,” he told John Humphrys.

Theresa May’s departure already subject to delay

Theresa May Moving

Hours after she announced her timetable for departure, Theresa May says that she will not be able to leave Downing Street on schedule.

The Prime Minister announced this morning that she will be standing down on June 7th.

Mrs May, who has an otherwise excellent track record for leaving things on the appointed date, has told the 1922 Committee that she now won’t be able to leave until August.

The delayed departure is thought to be the result of failed negotiations with the removal firm hired to move the May’s furniture back to their family home in Maidenhead.

Negotiations with movers, Seaborne Removals, started well but quickly collapsed when the firm revealed that they didn’t have any vans, drivers or indeed boxes.

Despite knowing that she would inevitably have to leave Number 10 it appears that Mrs May has made no preparation for leaving other than appointing Seaborne.

In a surprising show of support for the outgoing PM, Tory and Labour ministers have joined forces and offered to help the Mays vacate Number 10 over the weekend. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg lent Mrs May his monogrammed steamer trunk and Jeremy Corbyn arrived at the PMs office with a few baked bean boxes he found in the back of his shed.

Arriving at Downing Street in a 10-tonne truck, Boris Johnson was initially thought to have saved the day until it was revealed that the truck was full of his furniture.