The Post Truth Post

Theresa May’s departure already subject to delay

Theresa May Moving

Hours after she announced her timetable for departure, Theresa May says that she will not be able to leave Downing Street on schedule.

The Prime Minister announced this morning that she will be standing down on June 7th.

Mrs May, who has an otherwise excellent track record for leaving things on the appointed date, has told the 1922 Committee that she now won’t be able to leave until August.

The delayed departure is thought to be the result of failed negotiations with the removal firm hired to move the May’s furniture back to their family home in Maidenhead.

Negotiations with movers, Seaborne Removals, started well but quickly collapsed when the firm revealed that they didn’t have any vans, drivers or indeed boxes.

Despite knowing that she would inevitably have to leave Number 10 it appears that Mrs May has made no preparation for leaving other than appointing Seaborne.

In a surprising show of support for the outgoing PM, Tory and Labour ministers have joined forces and offered to help the Mays vacate Number 10 over the weekend. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg lent Mrs May his monogrammed steamer trunk and Jeremy Corbyn arrived at the PMs office with a few baked bean boxes he found in the back of his shed.

Arriving at Downing Street in a 10-tonne truck, Boris Johnson was initially thought to have saved the day until it was revealed that the truck was full of his furniture.

Putin sends congratulations to MEP candidates

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin has sent congratulatory messages to MEP candidates three days before the European Parliamentary election results are due to be announced.

As polls opened for the European Parliamentary elections on Thursday morning, several MEP hopefuls have allegedly received cards and a muffin basket from Moscow.

Sources say that the muffins are “quite delicious”, but their recipients have been left with a bemused taste in their mouths as the election results are not officially announced until Sunday evening. 

Among them is Sally Fishlove-Smyth who is standing as a candidate for the He’s a Foreigner, Get Him Out of Here party.

“I mean, I’ve not even cast my own vote yet,” she said between mouthfuls of a giant a Red Velvet cupcake.

“But look, there’s a little card and everything,” she continued taking a bite out of a blueberry muffin topped with oats and caramelised demerara sugar.

“The card says, ‘Dear Sally, Congratulations on your election to the European Parliament. All the Best Vlad xxx’, it’s sweet of him, but I’ll pay for all these extra calories at Weight Watchers on Monday night.” 

Claims the Russian President has somehow got inside knowledge of the outcome of the European Parliamentary elections have been denied. 

A spokesman for the Russian embassy said.

“The President is a keen student of foreign democratic processes and just wants to wish some of your MEPs good luck.

“He is also a happy-go-lucky, vodka-glass-half-full kinda guy, so I think with these muffin baskets you westerners are just seeing Vladimir the optimist, there is no conspiracy.

“By the way, send my regards to your Prime Minister, I hear she will be staying in office for a few more years.”