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Theresa May quits

In a statement issued by Number 10 this morning the Prime Minister says she will quit running through fields of wheat if MPs vote for her Brexit deal. 

The announcement has further disappointed Conservative ministers who thought they’d been rather clear that they wanted her to quit her job.

“This is not what we expected,” an exasperated Sir Graham Brady, chair of the 1922 committee said.

“Yes, I asked her to quit for the good of Brexit, the party and the country.

“But I told her to quit her fucking job, not the fucking wheat!”

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Other Tories have been more supportive of Mrs May’s sacrifice.

“I appreciate all that Theresa has done for the country,” Jacob Rees-Mogg told reporters.

“And to finally sacrifice her one and only vice I think shows you the kind of leader she has been.

“Of course she must now step aside so that we can have a sensible leader like Boris Johnson.”

Mr Johnson was unavailable to comment as he is currently drafting two articles for this Sunday’s Telegraph outlining both of his positions on becoming Prime Minister. 

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