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Iranian President blocks Trump on Twitter

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has responded to threats from US President Donald Trump by blocking him on Twitter.

“If Iran wants to fight, that will be the official end of Iran,” the 74-year-old US President tweeted on Sunday. “Never threaten the United States again!”

This latest tweet follows weeks of escalating tensions between the two rogue regimes over Iran’s suspension of its commitments under the 2015 international nuclear deal. 

Iran’s Fars news agency reported that Major General Hossein Salami, commander of the elite Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, was deeply offended by the tweet but rejected claims made by the Trump administration that that was because he was a “liberal snowflake pussy”.

Sources close to the Major General say he drafted a reply in which he compared Mr Trump to “a maiden aunt whose home was littered with the faeces of many geriatric cats” but refrained from tweeting it following intervention from President Rouhani.

Appearing on the popular breakfast show Good Morning Tehran, President Rouhani said that Iran was leading the fight against trolls and cyber bullies, telling presenter Parsa Mehregan.

“Like many other countries, the Iranian people have benefited from online shopping, funny cat memes and wonderful satirical news sites like The Post Truth Post.

“And I want the Internet to be a safe place for the Iranian people, free from cyber bullies and trolls like Mr Trump.

“That is why I will set an example for the nation and will block Mr Trump on Twitter, Facebook and Insta this morning.

"Remember kids, don't feed the trolls." 

Asked if he had any fears about possible US military action, the Iranian President looked directly into the camera and told viewers.

“Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.” 

Failure of Labour-Tory Brexit talks a surprise to precisely no one.

Corbyn May

So-called ordinary people have responded with slight shrugs and apathy to the news that six weeks of cross-party Brexit talks have achieved significantly less than nothing.

Six weeks ago Conservative and Labour MPs resolutely agreed that it was about time they had a little chat about this Brexit thing and perhaps had a crack at figuring out what they wanted to do about it.

The Prime Minister announced the cross-party Brexit talks to a bored public with the glee usually reserved for someone who has genuinely had a revolutionary idea, like inventing the light bulb or the two-pint glass.

Following a month and a half of eating posh biscuits at the taxpayer's expense, both sides have only managed to agree that they were both right when they said that they disagreed six weeks ago.

The Tory leadership have blamed the Labour party for the break down of talks saying that the “lack of a common position” within Labour over a further referendum was a showstopper.

From the other side of the political divide, Labour, stating the obvious, are citing the government’s “increasing weakness and instability” for the lack of progress.

Across the country, voters have failed to register any sort of response to Westminster’s latest round of navel-gazing, with many now failing to even care that we have a political class.

Jake Evans from St Albans told us, “What Brexit? I stopped caring about that two years ago mate,” 

“Haven’t they done it yet? I really didn’t notice.”