The Post Truth Post

Failure of Labour-Tory Brexit talks a surprise to precisely no one.

Corbyn May

So-called ordinary people have responded with slight shrugs and apathy to the news that six weeks of cross-party Brexit talks have achieved significantly less than nothing.

Six weeks ago Conservative and Labour MPs resolutely agreed that it was about time they had a little chat about this Brexit thing and perhaps had a crack at figuring out what they wanted to do about it.

The Prime Minister announced the cross-party Brexit talks to a bored public with the glee usually reserved for someone who has genuinely had a revolutionary idea, like inventing the light bulb or the two-pint glass.

Following a month and a half of eating posh biscuits at the taxpayer's expense, both sides have only managed to agree that they were both right when they said that they disagreed six weeks ago.

The Tory leadership have blamed the Labour party for the break down of talks saying that the “lack of a common position” within Labour over a further referendum was a showstopper.

From the other side of the political divide, Labour, stating the obvious, are citing the government’s “increasing weakness and instability” for the lack of progress.

Across the country, voters have failed to register any sort of response to Westminster’s latest round of navel-gazing, with many now failing to even care that we have a political class.

Jake Evans from St Albans told us, “What Brexit? I stopped caring about that two years ago mate,” 

“Haven’t they done it yet? I really didn’t notice.” 

Grayling to fire £14bn directly into the sun

Chris Grayling fires 14bn into the Sun

Secretary of State for Transport Chris Grayling is expected to unveil an ambitious new plan to fire fourteen billion pounds directly into the sun.

Grayling has a strong track record for wasting taxpayer's money on harebrained schemes, and this could be his best yet.

“We thought the minister had peaked when he paid out thirty-three million pounds to Eurotunnel in compensation for the no-deal Brexit ferry service,” Jasper Fishlove a civil servant attached to the DfT told us.

“Of course, we didn’t know then that his plan to privatise the National Probation Service would rack up a bill of five hundred million pounds while simultaneously increasing the number of ex-offenders returning to prison and ultimately failing.”

While the full details of the ‘solar spondulicks scheme’ are yet to be announced, sources close to the DfT predict a three-phased approach to wasting taxpayer money.

“I’d expect the minister would waste seventeen or eighteen billion pounds designing a rocket that doesn’t fly first,” says Mr Fishlove.

“Then he’d go out to the private sector, perhaps buying a rocket from Jeff Bezos, let’s say that costs six hundred and fifty million pounds, assuming he has an Amazon Prime membership.

“After that, it’s just the cost of minting fourteen billion pounds and firing them into the sun, let’s say forty billion and change in total.

“Compared to the money being wasted on Brexit I’d say the public would be getting a good deal really”.