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Grayling to fire £14bn directly into the sun

Chris Grayling fires 14bn into the Sun

Secretary of State for Transport Chris Grayling is expected to unveil an ambitious new plan to fire fourteen billion pounds directly into the sun.

Grayling has a strong track record for wasting taxpayer's money on harebrained schemes, and this could be his best yet.

“We thought the minister had peaked when he paid out thirty-three million pounds to Eurotunnel in compensation for the no-deal Brexit ferry service,” Jasper Fishlove a civil servant attached to the DfT told us.

“Of course, we didn’t know then that his plan to privatise the National Probation Service would rack up a bill of five hundred million pounds while simultaneously increasing the number of ex-offenders returning to prison and ultimately failing.”

While the full details of the ‘solar spondulicks scheme’ are yet to be announced, sources close to the DfT predict a three-phased approach to wasting taxpayer money.

“I’d expect the minister would waste seventeen or eighteen billion pounds designing a rocket that doesn’t fly first,” says Mr Fishlove.

“Then he’d go out to the private sector, perhaps buying a rocket from Jeff Bezos, let’s say that costs six hundred and fifty million pounds, assuming he has an Amazon Prime membership.

“After that, it’s just the cost of minting fourteen billion pounds and firing them into the sun, let’s say forty billion and change in total.

“Compared to the money being wasted on Brexit I’d say the public would be getting a good deal really”.

Government concerned that PM is trapped in relative time dilation.

The government have sought the advice of leading theoretical physicists over concerns that Theresa May is trapped in a relative time dilation which is causing her to repeat the same actions over and over.

Senior Tories raised the alarm last night following the PM's announcement that she will be asking parliament to vote on her unchanged Brexit bill for the fourth time.

Graham Brady, chair of the 1922 Committee, told colleagues that the only explanation for Mrs May bringing the bill back to parliament for the fourth time was that she had become stuck in some sort of a time loop.

“Look at the facts,” he said. 

“She’s been repeating the same course of action since last December, over and over and over again.

“Either she is insane, or more likely stuck in some sort of space-time distortion.” 

Professor Kryten of Cambridge University’s Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics briefed the cabinet this morning.

The professor hypothesised that the Brexit referendum had created a "white hole" that is spewing time back into the universe and causing the prime minister to experience “curious time phenomena”.

Although this theory was quickly dismissed as project fear, Kryten went on to explain that one of the effects of the Brexit white hole is that the laws of causality no longer apply.

“An action no longer leads to a consequence,” he said.

“For instance, you can compare Muslim women to post boxes with no consequence at all. 

“Or you can glibly claim you didn’t promise things that the public record clearly shows that you did, with no consequence at all. Fascinating, isn’t it?”

Despite several interruptions from Chris Graying asking “so what is it?”, the professor reassured the PM the effects of the Brexit white hole were temporary and could be mitigated by calling a second referendum or revoking Article 50.

Concerns that the Labour Party could also have been affected by proximity to the Brexit white hole have been allayed.

A spokesperson for the party confirmed that Jeremy Corbyn is still firmly anchored to 1973.