The Post Truth Post

Government concerned that PM is trapped in relative time dilation.

The government have sought the advice of leading theoretical physicists over concerns that Theresa May is trapped in a relative time dilation which is causing her to repeat the same actions over and over.

Senior Tories raised the alarm last night following the PM's announcement that she will be asking parliament to vote on her unchanged Brexit bill for the fourth time.

Graham Brady, chair of the 1922 Committee, told colleagues that the only explanation for Mrs May bringing the bill back to parliament for the fourth time was that she had become stuck in some sort of a time loop.

“Look at the facts,” he said. 

“She’s been repeating the same course of action since last December, over and over and over again.

“Either she is insane, or more likely stuck in some sort of space-time distortion.” 

Professor Kryten of Cambridge University’s Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics briefed the cabinet this morning.

The professor hypothesised that the Brexit referendum had created a "white hole" that is spewing time back into the universe and causing the prime minister to experience “curious time phenomena”.

Although this theory was quickly dismissed as project fear, Kryten went on to explain that one of the effects of the Brexit white hole is that the laws of causality no longer apply.

“An action no longer leads to a consequence,” he said.

“For instance, you can compare Muslim women to post boxes with no consequence at all. 

“Or you can glibly claim you didn’t promise things that the public record clearly shows that you did, with no consequence at all. Fascinating, isn’t it?”

Despite several interruptions from Chris Graying asking “so what is it?”, the professor reassured the PM the effects of the Brexit white hole were temporary and could be mitigated by calling a second referendum or revoking Article 50.

Concerns that the Labour Party could also have been affected by proximity to the Brexit white hole have been allayed.

A spokesperson for the party confirmed that Jeremy Corbyn is still firmly anchored to 1973.


Amazon to leave We Missed You card on the moon by 2022

Amazon Lunar We Missed You

Amazon entrepreneur Jeff Bezos has announced that Amazon Prime members will be eligible to receive free deliveries to the moon by 2024.

Mr Bezos made the announcement while unveiling the firm’s new Blue Moon lunar lander spacecraft which has mysteriously received fourteen five star reviews on Amazon.com already.

The Professor Xavier look-alike told the press conference that delivery to the moon was guaranteed if they ordered within the next two hours and forty minutes and then chose expedited lunar delivery at the checkout.

Billionaires like Donald Trump, Elon Musk and Richard Branson are also investing in space travel, experts predict they will take up lunar residency for tax purposes within five years.

Blue Moon is equipped with Amazon’s new BE-7 rocket and could ensure that the company will be the first to offer Prime delivery to the new lunar colonies of the super-rich.

Amazon’s space division have already completed ten successful test flights of its New Shepard rocket system including delivering a Game of Thrones box set, some Post It notes, and a medium-sized female space suit to the International Space Station earlier this year.

Presenting the moon goals for his company, Mr Bezos told the conference in Washington DC that he planned to leave a “We Missed You” card on the lunar surface by 2022.

“You’ll understand that there is no one at home on the moon currently”, Bezos said.

“On our next mission we aim to land a 'We Missed You' card on the lunar surface and leave the parcel at our new Amazon locker location on the ISS for collection.

“This will pave the way for actually delivering a parcel to the moon at a convenient time in 2024.”

Mr Bezos said the spacecraft can also double up as a minicab or pizza delivery system which will allow Amazon’s zero-hours astronauts to hold the three jobs their terrestrial counterparts currently enjoy.