The Post Truth Post

Amazon to leave We Missed You card on the moon by 2022

Amazon Lunar We Missed You

Amazon entrepreneur Jeff Bezos has announced that Amazon Prime members will be eligible to receive free deliveries to the moon by 2024.

Mr Bezos made the announcement while unveiling the firm’s new Blue Moon lunar lander spacecraft which has mysteriously received fourteen five star reviews on already.

The Professor Xavier look-alike told the press conference that delivery to the moon was guaranteed if they ordered within the next two hours and forty minutes and then chose expedited lunar delivery at the checkout.

Billionaires like Donald Trump, Elon Musk and Richard Branson are also investing in space travel, experts predict they will take up lunar residency for tax purposes within five years.

Blue Moon is equipped with Amazon’s new BE-7 rocket and could ensure that the company will be the first to offer Prime delivery to the new lunar colonies of the super-rich.

Amazon’s space division have already completed ten successful test flights of its New Shepard rocket system including delivering a Game of Thrones box set, some Post It notes, and a medium-sized female space suit to the International Space Station earlier this year.

Presenting the moon goals for his company, Mr Bezos told the conference in Washington DC that he planned to leave a “We Missed You” card on the lunar surface by 2022.

“You’ll understand that there is no one at home on the moon currently”, Bezos said.

“On our next mission we aim to land a 'We Missed You' card on the lunar surface and leave the parcel at our new Amazon locker location on the ISS for collection.

“This will pave the way for actually delivering a parcel to the moon at a convenient time in 2024.”

Mr Bezos said the spacecraft can also double up as a minicab or pizza delivery system which will allow Amazon’s zero-hours astronauts to hold the three jobs their terrestrial counterparts currently enjoy.

Office workers watching ‘Oddly Satisfying’ YouTube clips of Third World manufacturing processes costing UK companies millions.

A report by the Institute for Business Productivity (IBP) reveals that UK office workers spend an average of fifteen hours a month watching ‘Oddly Satisfying’ YouTube clips.

The videos, which have titles like ‘The Most Satisfying Factory Machines Doing Their Jobs’ and ‘10 Oddly Satisfying Sweat Shop Tasks with a Liquid Drum & Bass Sound Track’, feature people or machines carrying out repetitive and utterly mundane tasks to relaxing music.

The IBP research shows that UK employees, with comfortable middle-class jobs, waste thousands of hours a year watching Third World workers operating the type of machines that even Victorian mill owners would have raised health and safety concerns over.

Liz Evans, a mid-level manager with responsibility for organising meetings with no agenda, told us. 

“It’s the stress. I work in a fast-paced city job, and sometimes you just need to chill out between coffee breaks.

“Without taking thirty minutes to watch hot ABS resin being stamped into iPhone cases to a soundtrack of chilled out house, I think I’d go insane.

“Sometimes I wonder if I should pack it all in and move to the Philippines or wherever so I could watch paperclips being made all day.” 

Nguyen Dahn, star of ‘The Most Oddly Satisfying Fourteen Hour Shift Packing Toilet Roll Holders’, says he can see the appeal.

“On a long double shift when it’s really hot and you're not allowed a bathroom break the noise of the machines can really send you into a trance-like state,” Dahn says.  

“Of course, then you lose a finger or hand or something and that tends to wake you up pretty sharpish.”