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No sex please we’re Brexiting

Angry Couple

A report out today says that British people are having less sex than ever and it is entirely because of Brexit.

The findings, published in the British Medical Journal, suggest that nearly everyone is now too busy arguing about Brexit to get laid.

Half of the women surveyed and nearly two-thirds of men say that time previously spent getting pissed enough to consider chatting someone up is now spent trolling Brexiteers on Facebook.

While the other half of women and two-thirds of men say they dedicate time that previous generations spent hanging around the photocopier, in the hope of bumping into that girl or guy from accounts, to trolling Remoaners on Facebook.

The researchers note that this means at least one-third of men are now clearly swinging both ways and will troll anyone on Facebook given half a chance.

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The average number of times that 35 to 44-year-olds report having sex on a Sunday morning is in decline,  while the same demographic reports a 400% increase in shouting at the guests on The Andrew Marr Show.

Nigel Farage, who experts predict hasn’t seen any action since at least 1982, was quick to blame the EU for the decline in traditional British slap and tickle.

“Well this is clearly linked to this government’s open door policy on EU immigration,” he told reporters.

“When our country is full of young virile Europeans, with their smooth olive skin, their bodies muscular and taut from frequent trips the gym, and dark hazel eyes you could just drown in, what chance has a bloke like me got.

“And that’s why I want us to leave the European Union right now.”

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