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Lib Dems wondering if Chris Grayling has a sister

Christine Grayling

Sir Vince Cable has asked the remaining five Liberal Democrat members if anyone knows whether Chris Grayling has a sister.

Following the lead of Change UK and the Brexit Party, the Liberal Democrats are hoping to secure support from the sibling of a prominent Conservative MP ahead of the European elections. 

Both Change UK and the Brexit Party launched their respective European Parliamentary election campaigns by unveiling the sister of a household-name Tory backbencher.

Nigel Farage launched his new Brexit Party under the disdainful gaze of Annunziata Rees-Mogg, younger sister of ERG Grand Wizard Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Having already secured membership from celebrity ISIS bride Shamima Begum, Change UK attempted to trump Farage by announcing that Rachael Johnson, sister of eternal Conservative leadership hopeful Boris, will be standing for them.

In a bid to retain their position as the party Andrew Marr calls when the other two are busy, the Liberal Democrats are now on the hunt for a Tory sibling of their own.

Sources close to the Lib Dem leadership confirmed that while they would like to find the sibling of someone with Mr Grayling’s profile, they would gladly take anyone the public at large has heard of. 

“Brother, sister, pet dog. As long as the public has heard of them and the BBC will turn up and film them we’ll take them.” said a spokesman.

“We’re still about sensible policies a heart, but I guess this is just the way our politics work now.” 

Public warned not to use Henry Hoover for home liposuction

Henry Hoover Liposuction

A government campaign to tackle botched home cosmetic procedures will warn the public not to attempt DIY liposuction.

The Department for Health in conjunction with the Ministry for Stating the Obvious is scheduled to launch the joint campaign in the coming weeks.

Celebrities and influencers sharing their cosmetic surgery successes online have led to an increase in the number of people in the UK botching Botox and failing with fillers. 

Margaret Fishlove of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (Baaps) says she backs the government’s initiative.

“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of patients arriving at A&E with lips like a pair of bloated cocktail sausages after injecting themselves with a lip filler they bought from a bloke down the pub.” Doctor Fishlove says. 

“The problem is that people are increasingly gullible and will believe anything they watch or read online, a few fat lips may well be the thin end of the wedge.

With some beauty vloggers already advocating basic DIY surgical procedures, Baaps and the NHS are concerned that British beer-guts could soon be at risk of infection from the injection of an unsanitary hoover hose. 

“The public need to understand that a ten minute YouTube clip, a Henry Hoover and some gaffer tape is not the same as a medical qualification and a minimum of four years of specialist surgical training. 

“Having the girls over for a Lambrini and lipo party will not end well for you, them, or your hoover’s dust filter.”

The NHS suggests that members of the public contemplating DIY cosmetic surgery should take a long hard look at themselves in a mirror first and ask, “do I really want that fat idiot operating on me?”, before proceeding.