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Public warned not to use Henry Hoover for home liposuction

Henry Hoover Liposuction

A government campaign to tackle botched home cosmetic procedures will warn the public not to attempt DIY liposuction.

The Department for Health in conjunction with the Ministry for Stating the Obvious is scheduled to launch the joint campaign in the coming weeks.

Celebrities and influencers sharing their cosmetic surgery successes online have led to an increase in the number of people in the UK botching Botox and failing with fillers. 

Margaret Fishlove of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (Baaps) says she backs the government’s initiative.

“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of patients arriving at A&E with lips like a pair of bloated cocktail sausages after injecting themselves with a lip filler they bought from a bloke down the pub.” Doctor Fishlove says. 

“The problem is that people are increasingly gullible and will believe anything they watch or read online, a few fat lips may well be the thin end of the wedge.

With some beauty vloggers already advocating basic DIY surgical procedures, Baaps and the NHS are concerned that British beer-guts could soon be at risk of infection from the injection of an unsanitary hoover hose. 

“The public need to understand that a ten minute YouTube clip, a Henry Hoover and some gaffer tape is not the same as a medical qualification and a minimum of four years of specialist surgical training. 

“Having the girls over for a Lambrini and lipo party will not end well for you, them, or your hoover’s dust filter.”

The NHS suggests that members of the public contemplating DIY cosmetic surgery should take a long hard look at themselves in a mirror first and ask, “do I really want that fat idiot operating on me?”, before proceeding. 

Employers urged to give staff time off to appear on reality TV shows

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Photo credit: Stock Unlimited

UK Businesses are being urged to give employees up to four weeks of additional unpaid leave per year to appear on reality TV shows.

Industry bodies are calling for the change in employment law in a bid to tackle the continued decline in wages in relation to the cost of living.

It is hoped that allowing staff to appear on one of the thousands of reality tv shows which are broadcast each week, could help them earn up to an extra £10,000 per year, at no cost to their employers. 

A ‘minor celebrity’ tax code will be introduced to help the new army of part-time z-listers maximise the extra income earned from briefly appearing on page 22 of OK Magazine or opening a branch of Cash Converters.

HMRC says the new tax code will take into account factors such as, Instagram following and whether a contestant’s show featured on BBC1, Channel 5 or ITV4, to calculate their tax bill on earnings tapered over a three year period. 

Sir Michael Fishgrove-Smyth of the CBI announced the plan at a gala dinner held at the Mansion House in The City of London and attended by the Lord Mayor and industry leaders. 

Sir Michael stressed that CEOs should not be concerned about the impact of having staff out of the workplace for prolonged periods, noting that the type of employee that is likely to apply for reality tv is unlikely to provide much value to the business in the first place. 

The chairman of the Reality TV and Docusoap Producers Union ( RTDPU ) also welcomed the proposal and is quoted as saying “great, more meat for the sausage factory” before quickly writing it down as a future show title.