The Post Truth Post

Cameron backs zombie pig research

A Pig
Photo credit: Mali Maeder |Pexels

David Cameron has taken time out from not having an opinion on Brexit to back research into the reanimation of the heads of dead pigs.

The former PM is thought to be investing some of the enormous pile of cash he is alleged to have earned by not talking about Brexit on the after-dinner speaking circuit into new research that aims to reanimate the heads of dead pigs.

A research team from Yale University were able to bring thirty-two pigs heads back to life, four hours after they had been forcibly removed from the rest of the pig.

The reanimation process involves rhythmically pumping a specially designed liquid into the pig's head, leaving the brain alive but importantly not conscious during the procedure.

Mr Cameron said that he felt this was an essential area of research that could lead to a cure for Alzheimer’s or at least a new type of bacon.

Adding that he would be paying close personal attention to the zombified porkers heads and hoped to be able to have a significant input in the near future. 

Despite the former PM's enthusiasm for decapitated pig brains, there are fears in some quarters that the research could lead to a zombie pig apocalypse. 

To allay fears, experts say that on encountering a zombie pig, members of the public should simply head to the nearest pub, have a nice cold pint, and wait for it all to blow over.


Brexiteers and Remoaners unite to save our bacon

Bacon Sandwich
Photo credit: Randal Cooper | Flickr

Brexiteers and Remoaners have settled their long-entrenched differences and come together to defend our sovereign right to a bacon butty.

A study led by Oxford University, and published today, claims that eating just three rashers of bacon a day can increase the risk of bowel cancer by 20%.

Faced with the prospect of never again tucking into a trio of succulent salty pig strips embraced by two well-buttered slabs of bread, the two sides of the Brexit argument have buried their differences and united to attack the new white-coated enemies of the people.

“I’ve been banging on about freedom of movement and calling leave voters stupid plebs for nearly three years now.” remoaner, Tabitha Fishlove-Smyth told us.

“I’ve marched, I’ve put EU stars on my Facebook profile picture, and for what? So that some ‘so-called expert’ can take bacon from me?

“They should be strung up; I’m writing a stern letter to The Guardian about this right now.” 

From the other side of the Brexit divide, Dave Smith says he’s done with shouting at MPs on College Green and intends to devote his life to finding a cure for cancer so that future generations can enjoy cured pork products.

“That’s it, I’m hanging up my yellow vest, putting on a white coat, and dedicating my life to science.” Dave said. 

“The EU may enslave my grandchildren in an Islamic superstate, but nobody is gonna take my bacon from me.”

In Westminster, Nigel Farage and Chuka Umunna held a joint press conference telling journalists that The Brexit Party and Change UK have merged to form the Bacon Defence League (BDL).

“I’ve been saying that the EU are the enemy for 30 years,” barked Farage between mouthfuls of a fluffy bacon bap.

“And they are. But we stand together today to face a greater enemy. An enemy that wants to take away the cornerstone of our breakfast and sometimes our lunch.

“I will not stop until I have restored bacon to its rightful place as the sovereign of British foods.” 

Despite the initial display of unity, a disagreement about the superiority of brown sauce over ketchup has already splintered the BDL.