The Post Truth Post

Brexiteers and Remoaners unite to save our bacon

Bacon Sandwich
Photo credit: Randal Cooper | Flickr

Brexiteers and Remoaners have settled their long-entrenched differences and come together to defend our sovereign right to a bacon butty.

A study led by Oxford University, and published today, claims that eating just three rashers of bacon a day can increase the risk of bowel cancer by 20%.

Faced with the prospect of never again tucking into a trio of succulent salty pig strips embraced by two well-buttered slabs of bread, the two sides of the Brexit argument have buried their differences and united to attack the new white-coated enemies of the people.

“I’ve been banging on about freedom of movement and calling leave voters stupid plebs for nearly three years now.” remoaner, Tabitha Fishlove-Smyth told us.

“I’ve marched, I’ve put EU stars on my Facebook profile picture, and for what? So that some ‘so-called expert’ can take bacon from me?

“They should be strung up; I’m writing a stern letter to The Guardian about this right now.” 

From the other side of the Brexit divide, Dave Smith says he’s done with shouting at MPs on College Green and intends to devote his life to finding a cure for cancer so that future generations can enjoy cured pork products.

“That’s it, I’m hanging up my yellow vest, putting on a white coat, and dedicating my life to science.” Dave said. 

“The EU may enslave my grandchildren in an Islamic superstate, but nobody is gonna take my bacon from me.”

In Westminster, Nigel Farage and Chuka Umunna held a joint press conference telling journalists that The Brexit Party and Change UK have merged to form the Bacon Defence League (BDL).

“I’ve been saying that the EU are the enemy for 30 years,” barked Farage between mouthfuls of a fluffy bacon bap.

“And they are. But we stand together today to face a greater enemy. An enemy that wants to take away the cornerstone of our breakfast and sometimes our lunch.

“I will not stop until I have restored bacon to its rightful place as the sovereign of British foods.” 

Despite the initial display of unity, a disagreement about the superiority of brown sauce over ketchup has already splintered the BDL.

Trump: My thoughts and prayers are with the Fighting Irish

Donald Trump
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Donald Trump says his thoughts and prayers are with the players of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team following the fire in Paris.

The US President said he was deeply saddened to hear that a massive fire had destroyed the Notre Dame stadium which he compared to a cathedral of sport.

Mr Trump thanked world leaders for their messages of support, singling out French President Emmanuel Macron for praise and thanking him for offering to rebuild the stadium in Notre Dame, Indiana.

The 45th President also told reporters that he intended to call the 43rd President to offer his sympathies, after learning that President Bartlet was a life long Notre Dame supporter in a documentary about him called The West Wing.

“Notre Dame are one of our finest and oldest college football teams. It’s so sad. So much history.” Trump told the press.

When asked by reporters from the BBC if he was referring to the devastating fire that destroyed the cathedral of Notre-Dame in Paris, President Trump responded: 

“That’s fake news, Notre Dame is in Indiana, Paris is in Texas. Totally different places. I’m not as stupid as you think.”