Brexiteers and Remoaners have settled their long-entrenched differences and come together to defend our sovereign right to a bacon butty.
A study led by Oxford University, and published today, claims that eating just three rashers of bacon a day can increase the risk of bowel cancer by 20%.
Faced with the prospect of never again tucking into a trio of succulent salty pig strips embraced by two well-buttered slabs of bread, the two sides of the Brexit argument have buried their differences and united to attack the new white-coated enemies of the people.
“I’ve been banging on about freedom of movement and calling leave voters stupid plebs for nearly three years now.” remoaner, Tabitha Fishlove-Smyth told us.
“I’ve marched, I’ve put EU stars on my Facebook profile picture, and for what? So that some ‘so-called expert’ can take bacon from me?
“They should be strung up; I’m writing a stern letter to The Guardian about this right now.”
From the other side of the Brexit divide, Dave Smith says he’s done with shouting at MPs on College Green and intends to devote his life to finding a cure for cancer so that future generations can enjoy cured pork products.
“That’s it, I’m hanging up my yellow vest, putting on a white coat, and dedicating my life to science.” Dave said.
“The EU may enslave my grandchildren in an Islamic superstate, but nobody is gonna take my bacon from me.”
In Westminster, Nigel Farage and Chuka Umunna held a joint press conference telling journalists that The Brexit Party and Change UK have merged to form the Bacon Defence League (BDL).
“I’ve been saying that the EU are the enemy for 30 years,” barked Farage between mouthfuls of a fluffy bacon bap.
“And they are. But we stand together today to face a greater enemy. An enemy that wants to take away the cornerstone of our breakfast and sometimes our lunch.
“I will not stop until I have restored bacon to its rightful place as the sovereign of British foods.”
Despite the initial display of unity, a disagreement about the superiority of brown sauce over ketchup has already splintered the BDL.