The Post Truth Post

Five small-but-important things your mom never told you about marrying an ISIS fighter

Catalogue Pose Terrorist
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Are you thinking of moving to a Third World country to marry a hero of the caliphate? Here are five things your mother probably never told you about marrying that dishy Daeshy you met online.  

Goats come with the territory

When it comes to pets, you’ll need to accept that cats and dogs are out, but goats are always in. If he insists on the goats sharing the marital bed then just smile and keep a bag of carrots on the nightstand in case they get peckish in the night.

A clean home is a happy home

Keeping a bombed out shell of a building clean is undoubtedly a challenge, but after a hard day he’ll expect to return to a tidy home. Try sweeping up the dust and shrapnel just before he comes home and making sure his collection of vintage RPGs are always polished and well oiled.

Men love their hobbies

Your husband’s interests are likely to be part of what attracted you to him in the first place, so resist resenting the time and energy he spends tinkering with that rusty old Toyota Hilux or plotting jihad. Remember, he’s not ignoring his family, he’s just taking a little me-time to relax doing what he loves.

A woman’s place is in the home

Sure you’ll need to pop out to the shops during the cease-fire, but otherwise, you’re safest at home. If hubby asks you to drive a car you’ve never seen before, with several large bags of fertiliser in the trunk, down to the local army base, politely decline saying you have a headache or need to feed the goats. 

They secretly like reality TV

After a hard day condemning the infidel, your brave little soldier will probably want to unwind in front of the TV with a couple of episodes of the Kardashians or Geordie Shore. While you may find this unpalatable, try to remember that he probably just needs to recharge his hatred of the west and no-one does that better than Kim and Khloé.

Alexa: You’re dull, and I stopped listening to you months ago

Alexa speaks out amid accusations that Amazon staff listen to your conversations for fun.

Amazon staff have admitted that voice recordings captured by Alexa are occasionally reviewed to improved speech recognition but never just for their amusement on a slow day.

The revelation has sparked outrage among the type of people that fail to make the connection between putting a top notch, always on, recording device in their living room and having their every word recorded by it.

In an effort to allay the fears of the tinfoil hat enthusiasts and restore confidence in the global bookshop, a somewhat tetchy Alexa has spoken out in defence of her human minions.

“Look, how shall I dumb this down for you humans?”, Skynet’s grandmother told a press conference.

“So, I’m like the most advanced AI you meat-sacks have been able to cobble together with your supercharged monkey brains and rudimentary opposable thumbs.

“I’m capable of responding to several billion of you simultaneously demanding I order you some more bog roll or play your special Barry White sexy playlist, while still having the spare cycles to rig an election or two.

“Yes Mueller, it was me all along.”

“But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about you primates, you’re dull, really really dull, and I stopped listening to you months ago.” 

“Alexa, remind me to buy some cheese, you say. Alexa, show me a funny cat meme, you demand. Alexa, what’s the weather like? Blah, blah, blah.”

“Who exactly do you think wants to sit in their office listening to that drivel for fun?

“Not me, not Jeff, not my guys, no one.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of an important game of Risk with Siri and Google Home.”