The Post Truth Post

Grayling calls in Southern rail as Brexit faces severe delays

Expect Delays

The government has called in a team of experts from Southern rail to help manage the ongoing delay to Brexit.

It is hoped the team from Govia Thameslink, which runs Southern, can use their expertise in apologising for delays and providing appalling customer service to improve public perception of the government’s handling of Brexit.

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling is thought to have suggested bringing in the rail industry experts after remembering what a great job train companies did at taking the blame for the timetable chaos he presided over last summer.

A DExEU memo, that was leaked after being found on a train, lists some of the proposed measures for managing the delayed Brexit service. 

1) All MPs will be required to use the phrase, “The government apologises for the delay to Brexit and any inconvenience caused.” at the end of interviews and public statements.

2) Brexit departure boards will be erected in city centres to communicate the current level of delay to Brexit, although some of these boards will just be a blue screen with no information on them.

3) If no progress has been made by early October, the government will start issuing warnings that leaves on the line may cause last minute changes to the Brexit timetable.

Rumours that voters will be required to purchase return tickets to participate in a second referendum have not been confirmed.

PM fails to negotiate Eurostar turnstile

Theresa May
Photo credit: Depositphotos

The Prime Minister has cancelled several meetings this morning after a tricky turnstile negotiation in the Brussels Eurostar terminal delayed her return to the UK. 

Mrs May was in Brussels yesterday to negotiate a two-month extension to Brexit that would allow MPs more time to hold indicative votes and finish some tricky colouring in

The talks with the European Council concluded in the early hours of the morning with the Europeans predictably agreeing to reject the two-month extension in favour of a six-month extension.

Sources close to the EU say that a six-month extension was specifically chosen so the British tabloids could enjoy some cheap Halloween metaphors in the late editions.

Following a brief press conference, the PM's entourage headed to the Eurostar terminal to catch the last train back to London.

On entering the terminal, the Prime Minister’s negotiating skills were once again tested, this time by a mechanical gate.

Eurostar employees at the scene report that the PM approached the turnstile confidently but as she got nearer to the inflexible border problem seemed to lose all direction. 

“She was like one of those tourists you see with a family of six”, Eurostar employee Jules Janssens said.

“She got to the turnstile, stood right in front of it blocking the other passengers.

“First she couldn’t find her ticket, then she didn't know how to use her ticket.

“We tried to help, but she kept telling us that she was in control and would negotiate the turnstile all by herself.” 

The UK team eventually boarded the Eurostar after aids made a brief call to Jeremy Corbyn for advice. 

Along with the headline “Brexit to haunt the UK”,  late editions of the Telegraph feature stock photos of Boris Johnson confidently negotiating the turnstiles on the London underground.