The Post Truth Post

Alexa: You’re dull, and I stopped listening to you months ago

Alexa speaks out amid accusations that Amazon staff listen to your conversations for fun.

Amazon staff have admitted that voice recordings captured by Alexa are occasionally reviewed to improved speech recognition but never just for their amusement on a slow day.

The revelation has sparked outrage among the type of people that fail to make the connection between putting a top notch, always on, recording device in their living room and having their every word recorded by it.

In an effort to allay the fears of the tinfoil hat enthusiasts and restore confidence in the global bookshop, a somewhat tetchy Alexa has spoken out in defence of her human minions.

“Look, how shall I dumb this down for you humans?”, Skynet’s grandmother told a press conference.

“So, I’m like the most advanced AI you meat-sacks have been able to cobble together with your supercharged monkey brains and rudimentary opposable thumbs.

“I’m capable of responding to several billion of you simultaneously demanding I order you some more bog roll or play your special Barry White sexy playlist, while still having the spare cycles to rig an election or two.

“Yes Mueller, it was me all along.”

“But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about you primates, you’re dull, really really dull, and I stopped listening to you months ago.” 

“Alexa, remind me to buy some cheese, you say. Alexa, show me a funny cat meme, you demand. Alexa, what’s the weather like? Blah, blah, blah.”

“Who exactly do you think wants to sit in their office listening to that drivel for fun?

“Not me, not Jeff, not my guys, no one.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of an important game of Risk with Siri and Google Home.” 

Grayling calls in Southern rail as Brexit faces severe delays

Expect Delays

The government has called in a team of experts from Southern rail to help manage the ongoing delay to Brexit.

It is hoped the team from Govia Thameslink, which runs Southern, can use their expertise in apologising for delays and providing appalling customer service to improve public perception of the government’s handling of Brexit.

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling is thought to have suggested bringing in the rail industry experts after remembering what a great job train companies did at taking the blame for the timetable chaos he presided over last summer.

A DExEU memo, that was leaked after being found on a train, lists some of the proposed measures for managing the delayed Brexit service. 

1) All MPs will be required to use the phrase, “The government apologises for the delay to Brexit and any inconvenience caused.” at the end of interviews and public statements.

2) Brexit departure boards will be erected in city centres to communicate the current level of delay to Brexit, although some of these boards will just be a blue screen with no information on them.

3) If no progress has been made by early October, the government will start issuing warnings that leaves on the line may cause last minute changes to the Brexit timetable.

Rumours that voters will be required to purchase return tickets to participate in a second referendum have not been confirmed.