The Post Truth Post

PM fails to negotiate Eurostar turnstile

Theresa May
Photo credit: Depositphotos

The Prime Minister has cancelled several meetings this morning after a tricky turnstile negotiation in the Brussels Eurostar terminal delayed her return to the UK. 

Mrs May was in Brussels yesterday to negotiate a two-month extension to Brexit that would allow MPs more time to hold indicative votes and finish some tricky colouring in

The talks with the European Council concluded in the early hours of the morning with the Europeans predictably agreeing to reject the two-month extension in favour of a six-month extension.

Sources close to the EU say that a six-month extension was specifically chosen so the British tabloids could enjoy some cheap Halloween metaphors in the late editions.

Following a brief press conference, the PM's entourage headed to the Eurostar terminal to catch the last train back to London.

On entering the terminal, the Prime Minister’s negotiating skills were once again tested, this time by a mechanical gate.

Eurostar employees at the scene report that the PM approached the turnstile confidently but as she got nearer to the inflexible border problem seemed to lose all direction. 

“She was like one of those tourists you see with a family of six”, Eurostar employee Jules Janssens said.

“She got to the turnstile, stood right in front of it blocking the other passengers.

“First she couldn’t find her ticket, then she didn't know how to use her ticket.

“We tried to help, but she kept telling us that she was in control and would negotiate the turnstile all by herself.” 

The UK team eventually boarded the Eurostar after aids made a brief call to Jeremy Corbyn for advice. 

Along with the headline “Brexit to haunt the UK”,  late editions of the Telegraph feature stock photos of Boris Johnson confidently negotiating the turnstiles on the London underground. 

Lawyers confirm new divorce laws do not apply to Brexit

Divorce Couple
Photo credit: Stock Unlimited

Brexiteers have been disappointed to learn that although divorce can be used as a simile for Brexit, new divorce laws cannot be used to accelerate the process of the UK leaving the EU.

Lawyers have confirmed that the two things are entirely separate and that the overhaul of divorce laws in England and Wales, to allow couples to split faster, will not apply to Brexit.

Currently, fault-based divorces, where one spouse alleges adultery or unreasonable behaviour, can take as little as six months or the time it takes to hold a referendum. 

In contrast, no-fault divorces, where one spouse just feels a bit like leaving or fancies a blue passport, can take much longer, sometimes two or three years. 

The new law will level the playing field and allow couples to have a quick divorce if one spouse is determined to take back control but no fault is recorded.

Despite the similarities, lawyers stress that the new law has no precedent that can be applied to the UK’s split with the EU.

The divorce law changes follow the Supreme Court’s rejection of a woman’s appeal for divorce after her husband refused to agree to the split.

The woman wanted to divorce her husband of 40 years, on the grounds that she was unhappy in the marriage, and enjoyed her cucumbers with a natural curve. 

But her husband refused to agree to it and the Supreme Court unanimously rejected her appeal.

This meant the couple must remain married until 2020 after which they will enter a transition period.

Lord Justice Brendan Fishlove-Smythe reiterated, “yes, this case does sound very Brexity to the layperson, but they really are very different situations.”