The Post Truth Post

Commuters relieved to hear that woman’s STI test is all clear

Photo credit: Depositphotos

Passengers on the 43 bus from Holloway to Islington are said to be delighted this morning after learning that fellow commuter Gail Smith’s STI test came back all clear.

Miss Smith made the announcement while phoning her mother from the crowded rush-hour bus, and then provided further detail in a second call to her best friend, who commuters believe to be named Sally.

John, a Systems Analyst who joined the bus at Archway, said, “I was just leafing through the Metro like any other morning when I heard the news.

“She was sat eight or nine rows behind me like, but she definitely said she’d been for the test and it was all clear.”

Another passenger, who asked to remain anonymous, told us, “I get this bus every morning and she’ll usually be doing her makeup or plucking her eyebrows, you know, normal stuff.

“I was shocked to find out she’d even slept with that Mark, especially after what he said to Sally in the pub that time.

“Of course, the first I heard about any of it was when she rang her Mum just after the Nags Head stop this morning.

“Her mother’s a lovely woman by all accounts, very supportive, lots of ‘well at least you know nows’ and ‘just be safe next time babes’, not like that Sally, I could hear her laughing from the other end of the bus.

“Apparently the itching was caused by that new washing powder she started using so it isn’t even thrush. I’m so pleased for her.” 

EU blocks UK bid to go to hell in a handbasket

The Devil
Photo credit: Depositphotos

EU bureaucrats have dealt another blow to countries determined to self-destruct by banning the use of handbaskets in warm environments.

Regulation 2017/04, on The Practical Limits of Mass Application for Eternal Damnation, came into force on April 8th meaning it is also written into UK law until the end of the Brexit transition period.

A sub-clause of an appendix of the new Regulation states that: 

“Handbaskets may not be used for the conveyance of a population into an environment where the mean temperature is greater than 25C or more than 14% of the landscape consists of naked flames or other sources of ignition.” 

Under the Regulation, a civilisation, country or significant social group will not be permitted to enter hell in a handbasket unless stringent EU fire regulations are met and the transit is approved by a quorum of the EU Council. 

In further small print, the 666-page document also forbids the use of handcarts, unless they are fitted with flame retardant tyres, and under certain circumstances handbags, for transfer to the warmer regions of the afterlife. 

ERG Grand Wizard Jacob Rees-Mogg was quick to blame the Prime Minister for delaying Brexit and allowing the Regulation to become UK law, adding: 

“Once again the EU is denying UK citizens their sovereign right to choose the manner in which they advance toward purgatory and UK businesses access to an important emerging market.” 

An investigation, due to be published in the Guardian later this week, is alleged to say that Mr Rees-Mogg and other senior Brexiteers have a vested interest in the continued use of handbaskets, having been promised significant property investments in hell by Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council.