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EU blocks UK bid to go to hell in a handbasket

The Devil
Photo credit: Depositphotos

EU bureaucrats have dealt another blow to countries determined to self-destruct by banning the use of handbaskets in warm environments.

Regulation 2017/04, on The Practical Limits of Mass Application for Eternal Damnation, came into force on April 8th meaning it is also written into UK law until the end of the Brexit transition period.

A sub-clause of an appendix of the new Regulation states that: 

“Handbaskets may not be used for the conveyance of a population into an environment where the mean temperature is greater than 25C or more than 14% of the landscape consists of naked flames or other sources of ignition.” 

Under the Regulation, a civilisation, country or significant social group will not be permitted to enter hell in a handbasket unless stringent EU fire regulations are met and the transit is approved by a quorum of the EU Council. 


In further small print, the 666-page document also forbids the use of handcarts, unless they are fitted with flame retardant tyres, and under certain circumstances handbags, for transfer to the warmer regions of the afterlife. 

ERG Grand Wizard Jacob Rees-Mogg was quick to blame the Prime Minister for delaying Brexit and allowing the Regulation to become UK law, adding: 

“Once again the EU is denying UK citizens their sovereign right to choose the manner in which they advance toward purgatory and UK businesses access to an important emerging market.” 

An investigation, due to be published in the Guardian later this week, is alleged to say that Mr Rees-Mogg and other senior Brexiteers have a vested interest in the continued use of handbaskets, having been promised significant property investments in hell by Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council. 


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