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EU blocks UK bid to go to hell in a handbasket

The Devil
Photo credit: Depositphotos

EU bureaucrats have dealt another blow to countries determined to self-destruct by banning the use of handbaskets in warm environments.

Regulation 2017/04, on The Practical Limits of Mass Application for Eternal Damnation, came into force on April 8th meaning it is also written into UK law until the end of the Brexit transition period.

A sub-clause of an appendix of the new Regulation states that: 

“Handbaskets may not be used for the conveyance of a population into an environment where the mean temperature is greater than 25C or more than 14% of the landscape consists of naked flames or other sources of ignition.” 

Under the Regulation, a civilisation, country or significant social group will not be permitted to enter hell in a handbasket unless stringent EU fire regulations are met and the transit is approved by a quorum of the EU Council. 

In further small print, the 666-page document also forbids the use of handcarts, unless they are fitted with flame retardant tyres, and under certain circumstances handbags, for transfer to the warmer regions of the afterlife. 

ERG Grand Wizard Jacob Rees-Mogg was quick to blame the Prime Minister for delaying Brexit and allowing the Regulation to become UK law, adding: 

“Once again the EU is denying UK citizens their sovereign right to choose the manner in which they advance toward purgatory and UK businesses access to an important emerging market.” 

An investigation, due to be published in the Guardian later this week, is alleged to say that Mr Rees-Mogg and other senior Brexiteers have a vested interest in the continued use of handbaskets, having been promised significant property investments in hell by Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council. 


Websites urged to remove videos depicting political suicide and national self-harm

Websites could soon be fined or blocked if they fail to tackle “online harms” such as Theresa May addressing the nation via Twitter. 

In the wake of the Prime Minister’s latest excruciating video appeal to the nation, the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) are proposing new legislation that will sanction websites promoting fake news, political suicide and national self-harm. 

In what overexcited Number 10 interns are describing as her first vlog, Theresa May ditched her lectern on Sunday and used Twitter to post an uncomfortable speech from a comfortable sofa.

Using smiles and several other emotional cues, that aids had told her were popular with humans, the PM once again reassured the public that they were right to be asking what the hell she’d been doing about Brexit for the last three years and more importantly that it really wasn’t her fault that the answer was bugger all. 

Shortly after the tweet on Sunday the DCMS announced the new legislation.

“The Government takes the online safety of UK citizens very seriously, this includes both members of the public and members of Parliament.” a spokesperson said.

“The Internet provides many advantages to all of us but we must act to stop the proliferation of fake news, political suicide and national self-harm regardless of who is posting it.

“Going forward we will be taking action against any website that allows our politicians to embarrass themselves or their country online.” 

The DCMS went on to address the legitimate concerns that the legislation could be used against up-and-coming satirical news websites, confirming: 

“These new measures definitely won’t be used to crush companies making the world a brighter place by poking a little fun at the political class, but the Daily Mail and Boris Johnson better watch their backs.”