The Post Truth Post

Websites urged to remove videos depicting political suicide and national self-harm

Websites could soon be fined or blocked if they fail to tackle “online harms” such as Theresa May addressing the nation via Twitter. 

In the wake of the Prime Minister’s latest excruciating video appeal to the nation, the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) are proposing new legislation that will sanction websites promoting fake news, political suicide and national self-harm. 

In what overexcited Number 10 interns are describing as her first vlog, Theresa May ditched her lectern on Sunday and used Twitter to post an uncomfortable speech from a comfortable sofa.

Using smiles and several other emotional cues, that aids had told her were popular with humans, the PM once again reassured the public that they were right to be asking what the hell she’d been doing about Brexit for the last three years and more importantly that it really wasn’t her fault that the answer was bugger all. 

Shortly after the tweet on Sunday the DCMS announced the new legislation.

“The Government takes the online safety of UK citizens very seriously, this includes both members of the public and members of Parliament.” a spokesperson said.

“The Internet provides many advantages to all of us but we must act to stop the proliferation of fake news, political suicide and national self-harm regardless of who is posting it.

“Going forward we will be taking action against any website that allows our politicians to embarrass themselves or their country online.” 

The DCMS went on to address the legitimate concerns that the legislation could be used against up-and-coming satirical news websites, confirming: 

“These new measures definitely won’t be used to crush companies making the world a brighter place by poking a little fun at the political class, but the Daily Mail and Boris Johnson better watch their backs.”

Is talking over the band now compulsory at all gigs?

Having a chat at the gig
Photo credit: Pixels

Having a shouty conversation about your mundane life is now apparently more interesting than listening to the band you’ve paid £30 to see. 

Middle-aged gig-goers have responded with disbelief that the current generation would prefer to have a good chat rather than pay any sort of attention the band on stage. 

Permanently being stood behind two ‘kids’ with an inch of foam rubber stuffed in each ear, while they loudly discuss the rising cost of avocado lattes, has ruined live music for forty-somethings in Converse everywhere.

It is widely accepted that music stopped being important after Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine split up for the fifth or sixth time, but the trend of having a good chinwag while the band’s on stage is almost as inexplicable as trying to get a selfie from the mosh pit to anyone who still owns an original Pop Kid t-shirt. 

“In my day you only opened your mouth for three things; to sing along, declare you were heading to the bar, or to fail to chat up some girl”, said Mark Fishgrove, who was last able to climb into his twenty-six inch waist trousers and zip them closed in a decade when people would have understood that reference.

“What could possibly be more important than absorbing every last moment that Ned’s Atomic Dustbin grace us with their presence on stage? 

“Bring back National Service I say, or maybe just Shoegazing.”