The Post Truth Post

March To Leave protestors offered cabinet positions if they back May’s Brexit deal

Theresa May
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Theresa May has offered one hundred members of the March To Leave cabinet positions if they back her Brexit deal in parliament today.

The March To Leave protestors will arrive in Parliament Square at 4pm today, having completed a gruelling 283 mile walk from Sunderland to London in less time than it’s taken MPs to chose which biscuits they want after the vote this evening.

With the DUP still refusing to vote with the PM, May has reached out to the protesters in the hope that she can rustle up the votes she needs. 

The move has raised eyebrows among some constitution experts but many have just shrugged their shoulders noting that parliament’s been busy rewriting the United Kingdom’s unwritten constitution since June 2016.

A government spokesperson told surprised reporters, “The ladies and gentlemen of March To Leave have shown that if you are going to leave one place with the intent of getting to another place all you need is a plan and bit of determination to get there.

“As many of you have noted in your newspapers, these are qualities that our government is sadly lacking, the PM hopes that by bringing these ‘patriots’ into cabinet we call all learn a thing or two about belief, integrity and getting the job done.

“And yes, her Brexit deal will pass, she’ll quit, and we can all enjoy another leadership election.”

Nigel Farage was said to be ecstatic about finally making it into the Commons until it was pointed out the offer was only open to those who had actually completed the march.  

Commons to spend the day colouring in

Beautiful Brexit Unicorn
Photo credit: Boris aged 54

Having ruled out making a decision like big boys and girls, MPs will spend the day colouring in and sticking dry pasta and glitter to craft paper.

MPs spent Wednesday playing at being grown up parliamentarians by holding a series of indicative votes on their imaginary Brexit outcomes for no purpose at all.

All eight fantasy Brexits were rejected, leaving the country a whole day closer to a no deal exit and parliament no closer to having a clue what they are going to do about it. 

With the options to delay making a decision about Brexit running desperately thin, the Speaker has taken the unprecedented move of calling for a Craft Day. 

Craft Day has not been enacted in a sitting parliament since 1800, when William Pitt the Younger resolved a tricky Irish back stop impasse with an endearing macaroni self portrait, leading to the passing of the Acts of Union 1800.

Under the rules of Craft Day, each MP is allowed to produce one visual representation of their Brexit using crayons, tin-foil and items they can scavenge from the recycling bin or kitchen store cupboard. 

At 8pm each party will select the best picture and stick it to Theresa May’s fridge to cheer her up before they reject her Brexit deal for a third time on Friday afternoon.