The Post Truth Post

Commons to spend the day colouring in

Beautiful Brexit Unicorn
Photo credit: Boris aged 54

Having ruled out making a decision like big boys and girls, MPs will spend the day colouring in and sticking dry pasta and glitter to craft paper.

MPs spent Wednesday playing at being grown up parliamentarians by holding a series of indicative votes on their imaginary Brexit outcomes for no purpose at all.

All eight fantasy Brexits were rejected, leaving the country a whole day closer to a no deal exit and parliament no closer to having a clue what they are going to do about it. 

With the options to delay making a decision about Brexit running desperately thin, the Speaker has taken the unprecedented move of calling for a Craft Day. 

Craft Day has not been enacted in a sitting parliament since 1800, when William Pitt the Younger resolved a tricky Irish back stop impasse with an endearing macaroni self portrait, leading to the passing of the Acts of Union 1800.

Under the rules of Craft Day, each MP is allowed to produce one visual representation of their Brexit using crayons, tin-foil and items they can scavenge from the recycling bin or kitchen store cupboard. 

At 8pm each party will select the best picture and stick it to Theresa May’s fridge to cheer her up before they reject her Brexit deal for a third time on Friday afternoon.

Trump promises to fake more moon landings by 2024

Astronauts on the lunar surface
Photo credit: NASA

US Vice President Mike Pence has announced that the Trump administration plans to fake another American moon landing by 2024 at the latest.

Speaking at the National Space Council Meeting in Huntsville, Alabama, Pence said that the estimated year of 2028 for the next faked moon landing was “just not good enough”. 

“It is the stated policy of this administration and the United States of America to fake American astronauts back on the moon within the next five years,” Pence said.

“Some will say it’s too hard, it’s too risky, it’s too expensive. But the same was said back in 1962 and we did it back then without any CGI or modern film studio technology.

“Look what we’ve achieved since Stanley Kubrick put Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on the lunar surface on that sound stage just outside Huntsville.

“We've made Avatar, we’ve made Guardians of the Galaxy, and we’ve made, eight, yes eight Star Wars movies. 

“Ok, some of those Star Wars movies weren’t as believable as the original fake moon landings, but if Americans can send a talking raccoon halfway across the galaxy, we can sure as hell fake putting a man back on the moon.”

President Trump is expected to direct the mission himself, both behind and in front of the camera, and has already commissioned a “moon uniform” that insiders are describing as “Zapp Brannigan-esque”.