The Post Truth Post

Trump promises to fake more moon landings by 2024

Astronauts on the lunar surface
Photo credit: NASA

US Vice President Mike Pence has announced that the Trump administration plans to fake another American moon landing by 2024 at the latest.

Speaking at the National Space Council Meeting in Huntsville, Alabama, Pence said that the estimated year of 2028 for the next faked moon landing was “just not good enough”. 

“It is the stated policy of this administration and the United States of America to fake American astronauts back on the moon within the next five years,” Pence said.

“Some will say it’s too hard, it’s too risky, it’s too expensive. But the same was said back in 1962 and we did it back then without any CGI or modern film studio technology.

“Look what we’ve achieved since Stanley Kubrick put Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on the lunar surface on that sound stage just outside Huntsville.

“We've made Avatar, we’ve made Guardians of the Galaxy, and we’ve made, eight, yes eight Star Wars movies. 

“Ok, some of those Star Wars movies weren’t as believable as the original fake moon landings, but if Americans can send a talking raccoon halfway across the galaxy, we can sure as hell fake putting a man back on the moon.”

President Trump is expected to direct the mission himself, both behind and in front of the camera, and has already commissioned a “moon uniform” that insiders are describing as “Zapp Brannigan-esque”.  

Sports Direct will replace High Streets by 2022

A busy London High Street that looks just like any other

Retail analysts predict it is only a matter of years before Mike Ashley buys up the last remaining charity shops and turns every High Street into one vast Sports Direct.

Mr Ashley, the retail entrepreneur behind Sports Direct, who is currently attempting to pick up ailing department store Debenhams at blue cross sale prices, is well on his way to literally owning the High Street. 

“Sports Direct is already the only real shop in the unbroken run of bookies, charity shops and vape emporia that now make up the average UK High Street,” says John Spencer-Fishwash of the Institute for Studying High Streets. 

“With Debenhams in his bag for life alongside House of Fraser, Millets and JD Sports it’s only a matter of time before Ashley consolidates his assets.

“By which I mean closes all the other shops and opens one massive Sports Direct in the heart of every town and city in the country.”

It is anticipated that the sporting goods retailer will diversify to some extent, perhaps interspersing his ubiquitous cut-price trainer warehouses with the odd coffee shop.

“When people think of the Sports Direct brand, it’s not just the sporting goods that come to mind,” said Mr Spencer-Fishwater.

“A lot of people already associate Sports Direct with oversized mugs so I can see them opening coffee shops or a least including them in store.”