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Sports Direct will replace High Streets by 2022

A busy London High Street that looks just like any other

Retail analysts predict it is only a matter of years before Mike Ashley buys up the last remaining charity shops and turns every High Street into one vast Sports Direct.

Mr Ashley, the retail entrepreneur behind Sports Direct, who is currently attempting to pick up ailing department store Debenhams at blue cross sale prices, is well on his way to literally owning the High Street. 

“Sports Direct is already the only real shop in the unbroken run of bookies, charity shops and vape emporia that now make up the average UK High Street,” says John Spencer-Fishwash of the Institute for Studying High Streets. 

“With Debenhams in his bag for life alongside House of Fraser, Millets and JD Sports it’s only a matter of time before Ashley consolidates his assets.

“By which I mean closes all the other shops and opens one massive Sports Direct in the heart of every town and city in the country.”

It is anticipated that the sporting goods retailer will diversify to some extent, perhaps interspersing his ubiquitous cut-price trainer warehouses with the odd coffee shop.

“When people think of the Sports Direct brand, it’s not just the sporting goods that come to mind,” said Mr Spencer-Fishwater.

“A lot of people already associate Sports Direct with oversized mugs so I can see them opening coffee shops or a least including them in store.” 


All-female spacewalk delayed because astronaut didn’t pack the right outfit

Christina Koch and Anne McClain
Photo credit: NASA

NASA has been forced to delay a historic all-female spacewalk because one of the astronauts didn’t pack the right spacesuit.

Christina Koch and Anne McClain had been scheduled to step outside the International Space Station (ISS) on Friday to install batteries.

Despite what male colleagues have described as “extensive preparation" by the pair ahead of Friday’s outing, McClain has now said she can’t go out because she didn’t pack the right outfit. 

Ms McClain told mission control, “Houston we have a problem. Christina is wearing the same spacesuit. Please send medium sized suit in green. White is not my colour. Over.”

NASA rocket scientists are baffled that with their collective intellect they didn’t think to check if the two women had packed complementary outfits for their big night out on Friday.

“It just didn’t occur to us,” said mission controller Chuck Whitmore.

“You can send a man to the moon and back with an old t-shirt, a toothbrush and a spare pair of Y-Fronts.

“For this mission, we packed straighteners, a hairdryer, flip flops, flat shoes, heels, another pair of flip flops just in case. Four tops, three dresses, seven skirts, twelve pop socks, twenty-four pairs of knickers, nineteen bras, a coat in case it gets cold, a jacket to wear in the evening, and a jumper because you never know. Boots, a pack of tissues, gloves, a scarf, and a standard issue spacesuit each.

“It just didn’t occur to us that they wouldn’t want to be seen out in the same spacesuit.”