The Post Truth Post

Brexit the week ahead: more of the same and a Unicorn Grand National

Palace of Westminster
Photo credit: Dominika Gregušová

With just five more days until there are just fourteen more days until Brexit, we look ahead to the key events and must-see TV this coming week.

Monday

Theresa May will start what many are describing as her toughest week since last week with a cabinet meeting. The PM will present her Brexit deal to the cabinet once more with feeling, the cabinet will then ask for her head on a spike, and May is expected to refuse.

On Monday afternoon, after a long pub lunch, MPs are due to debate the latest Brexit motion. Seven amendments have been tabled but the most interesting one calls for MPs to take over the business of the Commons on Wednesday to hold a Unicorn Grand National.

Tuesday

The government will seek to pass May’s Brexit plan for the third time despite the Speaker of the House citing precedent from 1604 and ruling against a third vote in this parliamentary session. The PM is expected to circumnavigate this by using the equally arcane parliamentary procedure of putting her fingers in her ears and singing “la la la, I’m not listening, la la la, I can’t hear you.”

Assuming the amendment is passed on Monday, MPs are likely to spend most of Tuesday prepping their unicorns for the big race on Wednesday.

Wednesday

The Commons will host a Unicorn Grand National. Formally described as an “Indicative Vote” in parliamentary terminology, each MP will be allowed to table his or her imaginary vision of Brexit which will be voted on in a simple “yay or neigh” fashion. The unicorn that receives the most votes will be pronounced the winner. 

The PM will then ignore the winner and call for a fourth vote on her Brexit deal to be held on Thursday.

Thursday 

Assuming that the PM already achieved her hat trick of historic defeats on Tuesday, May will put her Brexit deal, unchanged and unloved, to parliament for the fourth time. Directly after MPs vote against it again for the fourth time a fifth vote will be scheduled.

Friday 

The Commons is not scheduled to sit on Friday as Brexit was due to be in the bag and MPs wanted a day off to enjoy the adulation of their constituents for a job well done.

Many MPs have been booked to appear as guests at the Vote Leave street parties that Brexiteers have spent two-years organising. With the street parties now predicted to be a bit more rioty, frontbenchers will spend their day off setting out their leadership bids in columns for Sunday’s papers. 

The PM will change the date on the cover page of her Brexit deal and announce the fifth vote for sometime next week. 


March to Leave forced to do laps of the M25 due to Article 50 extension

M25 from the air
Photo credit: Flickr

The extension of Article 50 has wrong-footed the March to Leave protest, which will now arrive in London fourteen days early.

The 14-day march, organised by the Leave Means Leave campaign and supported from the comfort of his own home by Nigel Farage, started in Sunderland last Saturday and was scheduled to arrive in London on March 29th to coincide with the UK leaving the EU.

March organisers are reported to have been exasperated last night after the EU granted Theresa May a 14-day extension to Article 50, meaning that they will now arrive in London two weeks early. 

John Longworth, chairman of Leave Means Leave and one of the march leaders said: 

“This is bloody typical, we gave the government a clear mandate to leave on the 29th of March and now the EU stick their oar in and move the bloody date. This is exactly what we’ve been saying all along.

“What are we supposed to do now eh? I’ve got a hundred people here, out in the cold and rain, marching for what they believe in, and now we’ll arrive in London early because of some bureaucrat in Brussels.”

Following a brief call to Nigel Farage it was decided that the march should circle London, following the route of the M25, until April the 12th when he’ll join them in Parliament Square as planned.

“I only hope May can get her deal through parliament next week,” said Longworth “None of us are getting any younger and I don’t want to be traipsing round the M25 until the 22nd of May.”