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Brexit the week ahead: more of the same and a Unicorn Grand National

Palace of Westminster
Photo credit: Dominika Gregušová

With just five more days until there are just fourteen more days until Brexit, we look ahead to the key events and must-see TV this coming week.

Monday

Theresa May will start what many are describing as her toughest week since last week with a cabinet meeting. The PM will present her Brexit deal to the cabinet once more with feeling, the cabinet will then ask for her head on a spike, and May is expected to refuse.

On Monday afternoon, after a long pub lunch, MPs are due to debate the latest Brexit motion. Seven amendments have been tabled but the most interesting one calls for MPs to take over the business of the Commons on Wednesday to hold a Unicorn Grand National.

Tuesday

The government will seek to pass May’s Brexit plan for the third time despite the Speaker of the House citing precedent from 1604 and ruling against a third vote in this parliamentary session. The PM is expected to circumnavigate this by using the equally arcane parliamentary procedure of putting her fingers in her ears and singing “la la la, I’m not listening, la la la, I can’t hear you.”

Assuming the amendment is passed on Monday, MPs are likely to spend most of Tuesday prepping their unicorns for the big race on Wednesday.

Wednesday

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The Commons will host a Unicorn Grand National. Formally described as an “Indicative Vote” in parliamentary terminology, each MP will be allowed to table his or her imaginary vision of Brexit which will be voted on in a simple “yay or neigh” fashion. The unicorn that receives the most votes will be pronounced the winner. 

The PM will then ignore the winner and call for a fourth vote on her Brexit deal to be held on Thursday.

Thursday 

Assuming that the PM already achieved her hat trick of historic defeats on Tuesday, May will put her Brexit deal, unchanged and unloved, to parliament for the fourth time. Directly after MPs vote against it again for the fourth time a fifth vote will be scheduled.

Friday 

The Commons is not scheduled to sit on Friday as Brexit was due to be in the bag and MPs wanted a day off to enjoy the adulation of their constituents for a job well done.

Many MPs have been booked to appear as guests at the Vote Leave street parties that Brexiteers have spent two-years organising. With the street parties now predicted to be a bit more rioty, frontbenchers will spend their day off setting out their leadership bids in columns for Sunday’s papers. 

The PM will change the date on the cover page of her Brexit deal and announce the fifth vote for sometime next week. 

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