The Post Truth Post

Corbyn hails Brussels shopping trip a success

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: DepositPhotos

Jeremy Corbyn is back in the UK this morning after a whistle-stop, pre-Brexit shopping trip to Brussels.

The Labour leader was accompanied by, shadow Brexit secretary, Sir Keir Starmer on the 18-hour round trip to Brussels yesterday, returning with a van load of continental cheeses, jams and Belgian beer. 

Arriving back in Islington this morning, Mr Corbyn addressed the press from his shed hailing the trip as a monumental success. 

“Like many of my constituents, I haven’t got a clue what’s going on with Brexit. If I’m honest I thought the Tories would eventually see sense and call the whole thing off”, Corbyn told reporters.

“When I saw Theresa on TV on Wednesday night, with that mad glint in her eye, I just said to myself she’s flipped, she’s going to let us crash out and I panicked.

“I put my tin of beans back in the fridge and got straight on the phone to Keir and told him she’s gone crazy, we have to act now. 

“To be fair it was Keir who suggested hiring the van and heading to Brussels to stock up on beers before the WTO tariffs kick in; smart boy that one.

“Anyway, I can say it was a very productive trip. Keir came home with two hundred different Trappist beers and I’ve stocked the larder with some delightful jams and cheeses.

“Did you know the Belgians make a jam from evaporated fruit juices called Sirop de Liège? It really is rather lovely, I guess I’ll miss that once we’ve Brexited.”

Workman blames three year delay on 649 inferior tools

Theresa May - Can you fix it

A workman tasked with building a simple exit from the European Union has appeared on national television to place the blame for delays on the 649 tools she has to work with.

Mrs May, of T.M. May Builders Esq., was hired by the British public to create an exit from the European Union and make good the surrounding area.

May assured the client the work would be strong and stable, providing references to similar projects she’d completed for the Home Office, but the schedule soon started to drift.

The project started badly when Dave the labourer, tasked with knocking through the exit, only turned up for four hours a week and spent most of his time drinking tea and reading The Sun. 

Dave was replaced by Dom and Dom was replaced by Steve and the client, now desperate for an exit, donned a high visibility yellow vest and tried to take control of the project himself.

As the project reached breaking point, May suggested that instead of the grand exit proposed by the now long departed architects, perhaps a smaller more contained exit, like a cat flap, would be acceptable. 

After the cat flap plan was rejected twice, May told the client she’d be round on Thursday to make a start on the exit but then cancelled saying she had to dig the foundations for an extension at the European Parliament. 

With the British public still decidedly exit free, Mrs May took to national television to explain how the lack of progress wasn’t her fault and blamed the other 649 tools  that sit in the House of Commons. 

Ironically the Polish Prime Minister, Mateusz Morawiecki, says he could get the job done by March 29th with a simple veto.