The Post Truth Post

Workman blames three year delay on 649 inferior tools

Theresa May - Can you fix it

A workman tasked with building a simple exit from the European Union has appeared on national television to place the blame for delays on the 649 tools she has to work with.

Mrs May, of T.M. May Builders Esq., was hired by the British public to create an exit from the European Union and make good the surrounding area.

May assured the client the work would be strong and stable, providing references to similar projects she’d completed for the Home Office, but the schedule soon started to drift.

The project started badly when Dave the labourer, tasked with knocking through the exit, only turned up for four hours a week and spent most of his time drinking tea and reading The Sun. 

Dave was replaced by Dom and Dom was replaced by Steve and the client, now desperate for an exit, donned a high visibility yellow vest and tried to take control of the project himself.

As the project reached breaking point, May suggested that instead of the grand exit proposed by the now long departed architects, perhaps a smaller more contained exit, like a cat flap, would be acceptable. 

After the cat flap plan was rejected twice, May told the client she’d be round on Thursday to make a start on the exit but then cancelled saying she had to dig the foundations for an extension at the European Parliament. 

With the British public still decidedly exit free, Mrs May took to national television to explain how the lack of progress wasn’t her fault and blamed the other 649 tools  that sit in the House of Commons. 

Ironically the Polish Prime Minister, Mateusz Morawiecki, says he could get the job done by March 29th with a simple veto.


Fourth, fifth and sixth meaningful votes already in the diary despite Bercow ruling

Theresa May
Photo credit: Depositphotos

The government is rumoured to have already scheduled fourth, fifth and sixth meaningful votes on the PM’s Brexit deal despite the Speaker of the House ruling against them holding a third.

The prime minister had hoped to complete her historic hat-trick of epic Commons defeats this week but her plan was thwarted when the Speaker, John Bercow, ruled that he would not allow it. 

Citing a convention that dates back to 1604 Mr Bercow ruled that the prime minister cannot continue to flog the same dead unicorn, by presenting her Brexit deal for a third meaningful vote, without “substantial changes” or an entirely different unicorn. 

Government sources are now saying they will try to get May’s deal through the Commons despite the Speaker’s decision and it has been revealed that several more, so-called,  meaningful votes are already scheduled. 

Junior backbencher James Fishlove-Smyth, who drew the short-straw and spent the day in the cold briefing the press on College Green, leaked the plan to reporters.

“You’ll, of course, remember the government was against holding a meaningful vote in the first place, but now we’ve held two we've really got into the swing of them. 

“The votes have been tremendous fun, not to mention a great boost for the BBC Parliament channel, so we’ve decided to keep having them every Tuesday night or at least until we win.”