A study shows that a staggering 20% of people are not getting the best from their mobile device. Follow these simple tips to make sure you’re not one of them.
Manufacturers generally recommend you do not use your phone while walking. In situations when using your phone on foot can’t be avoided always ensure that you move to the edge of the walkway for best performance. Ambling down the middle of the path like a deaf-blind zombie will single you out as a cock and there’s no app that can fix that.
On the Bus
The correct way to use a phone on a bus is quietly. If you must make a call, make use of the headphones provided or move the device to the traditional position against one ear with the microphone end in close proximity to the mouth.
Under no circumstances should the speakerphone function be used on the bus unless you are wearing a Star Trek uniform and can muster a solid impersonation of Captain James T Kirk.
On a train
All of the advice for successful bus use applies here but be aware that the relative quiet of the train carriage requires more care for the best performance. If you are wealthy enough to be able to afford a reserved seat, still ensure that calls are taken in the vestibule area near the toilets and remember only bellends enable keyboard feedback sounds when sending a text.
Don’t believe the advice of paediatricians and other so-called experts, children and phones are made for each other. Think of their screen time as your me time. A phone or tablet is also the perfect way to shut your little darlings up on a flight, in the car, or down the pub, just be sure to turn off in-app purchases and the sound.
If your date or family are particularly dull then using a mobile device at the table is recommended, at least until such time as you can leave and find better company - see note on walking above.
However, remember that it is a meal and not a photoshoot and that posting pictures of food on social media is only marginally more acceptable than posting spoof guides on phone usage.
In the bathroom
All modern phones are designed to get their best signal reception while the user is seated on a toilet. For gentlemen, who also wish to achieve this level of performance while standing, we recommend a specialist app to assist with aim.
In the home
In most situations your phone will operate well in the home, however, if you notice that your other half is telling you at length about their day, her mother’s latest ailment or his team’s epic hat-trick do not reach for your handset. In this situation, even a quick check of The Post Truth Post’s magnificent website could result in physical harm to yourself or your phone.