The Post Truth Post

European votes to leave Research and Group

European walks away from Research and Group

The European Research Group have been forced to reprint their headed stationery after the word European votes unanimously to leave their name.

Jacob Rees-Mogg dispatched an urchin to Smythson of Bond Street to purchase new copperplate engraved, White Wove 150 GSM, stationery for the ERG this morning after the word European voted to leave the group’s name.

European was never completely comfortable being associated with the avowedly anti-European ERG membership and last night all eight of its letters voted ‘out’, leaving the words Research and Group to fend for themselves.

The remaining two words of the influential organisation’s moniker announced the split at a joint press conference.

“We have the greatest respect for our European colleague and wish him all the best in his future endeavours.” Research told reporters. 

“He will be missed and we hope to trade more than just insults going forward but if we’re honest he never really aligned with our core values.”

Group added, “Hats off to him though, organising a vote and then leaving is something the three of us have wanted for a long time.” 

European is understood to be spending some time with his family before taking up a new position with ‘political brand’ The Independent Group

Chuka Umunna tweeted, “I’m pleased to welcome European to our little group. I’m sure he’ll slot right in alongside Independent.”

Chocolate teapot signals intent to become the next Prime Minister

Chocolate Teapot in leadership bid
Photo credit: Depositphotos

A chocolate teapot has signalled its intention to become the next Prime Minister, adding to the ever-growing queue of leadership hopefuls outside 10 Downing Street.

Following a second historic defeat of her Brexit deal, Theresa May’s government is looking about as strong and stable as a Boeing 737 Max 8’s flight plan and leadership challengers are lining up around the block to replace her.

A surprise addition to the usual cohort of Eton boys is a small chocolate teapot from Leeds who has figuratively thrown his lid into the ring signalling his intent to challenge May for the premiership.

The pointless vessel, who likes to be called Charlie, launched his leadership bid in the traditional manner, publishing a lengthy opinion piece in the Telegraph in which he misquoted Churchill and criticised May.

Charlie notes he has little political experience and is fundamentally useless in his current role, but his supporters have been quick to point out that the same criticism could be levelled at Chris Grayling and he is, amazingly, still Secretary of State. 

Any leadership bid will be won or lost on the issue of Brexit and Charlie is clear that he respects the will of the people and will solve the Irish border issue by deploying a team of specially trained pigs.

“People have had enough talk of unicorns and imaginary technical solutions, I propose we train pigs to sniff out contraband crossing the Irish border,” he told supporters. 

“I appreciate that the length of the border would require a lot of pigs and that is why I propose equipping them with jetpacks so they can cover more ground.” 

So-called experts are dubious about the flying pig plan but unanimously agree that a chocolate teapot could do a better job than current occupants of the House of Commons.