The Post Truth Post

Chocolate teapot signals intent to become the next Prime Minister

Chocolate Teapot in leadership bid
Photo credit: Depositphotos

A chocolate teapot has signalled its intention to become the next Prime Minister, adding to the ever-growing queue of leadership hopefuls outside 10 Downing Street.

Following a second historic defeat of her Brexit deal, Theresa May’s government is looking about as strong and stable as a Boeing 737 Max 8’s flight plan and leadership challengers are lining up around the block to replace her.

A surprise addition to the usual cohort of Eton boys is a small chocolate teapot from Leeds who has figuratively thrown his lid into the ring signalling his intent to challenge May for the premiership.

The pointless vessel, who likes to be called Charlie, launched his leadership bid in the traditional manner, publishing a lengthy opinion piece in the Telegraph in which he misquoted Churchill and criticised May.

Charlie notes he has little political experience and is fundamentally useless in his current role, but his supporters have been quick to point out that the same criticism could be levelled at Chris Grayling and he is, amazingly, still Secretary of State. 

Any leadership bid will be won or lost on the issue of Brexit and Charlie is clear that he respects the will of the people and will solve the Irish border issue by deploying a team of specially trained pigs.

“People have had enough talk of unicorns and imaginary technical solutions, I propose we train pigs to sniff out contraband crossing the Irish border,” he told supporters. 

“I appreciate that the length of the border would require a lot of pigs and that is why I propose equipping them with jetpacks so they can cover more ground.” 

So-called experts are dubious about the flying pig plan but unanimously agree that a chocolate teapot could do a better job than current occupants of the House of Commons.


Theresa May throws a sickie on morning of Brexit vote

Woman taking sickie
Photo credit: Pexels

Theresa May has phoned in sick this morning further delaying the meaningful vote on her Brexit deal.

The PM, who surprised pretty much everyone yesterday by not delaying the latest vote on her Brexit deal, called The Speaker of the House of Commons this morning telling him she was feeling a “bit poorly” and wouldn’t be coming into work today. 

The Speaker, John Bercow, told reporters that Mrs May’s voice was “weak sounding, croaky and a bit pathetic” and that if she was a man he would have strongly suspected she had contracted man-flu.

The Prime Minister flew to Strasbourg late last night for talks with Jean-Claude Junker, President of the European Commission, leading some to speculate that her mystery illness may in fact be a hangover, while the Daily Mail is already claiming that she has been poisoned by shadowy Eurocrats determined to stop Brexit.

MPs on both sides of the house have wished the PM a speedy recovery, sending cards and gifts to Number 10 throughout the morning. 

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn sent May a thermos of homemade organic lentil soup and a second-hand boxset of Last Of The Summer Wine with the third disc missing. 

Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg narrowly escaped embarrassment when colleagues pointed out that the card circulating the ERG office read Happy Retirement rather than Get Well Soon.