The Post Truth Post

Theresa May throws a sickie on morning of Brexit vote

Woman taking sickie
Photo credit: Pexels

Theresa May has phoned in sick this morning further delaying the meaningful vote on her Brexit deal.

The PM, who surprised pretty much everyone yesterday by not delaying the latest vote on her Brexit deal, called The Speaker of the House of Commons this morning telling him she was feeling a “bit poorly” and wouldn’t be coming into work today. 

The Speaker, John Bercow, told reporters that Mrs May’s voice was “weak sounding, croaky and a bit pathetic” and that if she was a man he would have strongly suspected she had contracted man-flu.

The Prime Minister flew to Strasbourg late last night for talks with Jean-Claude Junker, President of the European Commission, leading some to speculate that her mystery illness may in fact be a hangover, while the Daily Mail is already claiming that she has been poisoned by shadowy Eurocrats determined to stop Brexit.

MPs on both sides of the house have wished the PM a speedy recovery, sending cards and gifts to Number 10 throughout the morning. 

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn sent May a thermos of homemade organic lentil soup and a second-hand boxset of Last Of The Summer Wine with the third disc missing. 

Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg narrowly escaped embarrassment when colleagues pointed out that the card circulating the ERG office read Happy Retirement rather than Get Well Soon.

Brexit saved as Irish border moved to Germany

Irish Border Backstop

A radical new German plan could solve the Brexit blocking Irish border backstop deadlock.

Politicians on both sides of the Brexit negotiating table have been unable to come up with a plan that allows the Irish border to continue to exist after Brexit, while not inconveniencing the people that live on either side of it.

All sides agree the border must remain soft while simultaneously stopping the flow of people and goods to and from the EU. Until now only theoretical physicists have been able to explain how this paradox would be possible. 

Following robust negotiations among the EU 27, Germany has offered to move the Irish border from the island of Ireland to mainland Europe for ‘safe keeping’.

Professor Hans Grenzewegweiser of the German Institute for Lines on a Map announced the Brexit breakthrough.

“We Germans have long admired the borders created by the English, we would, of course, have liked to take one of those straight and efficient ones from the Middle East, but this Irish one will do.”

The professor went on to explain that a border is a conceptual construct established through agreement between the political or social entities which control the territory where it is defined and as such can exist anywhere all parties can agree on.

"The problem you have with the Irish border is not the ‘border’ it is the ‘location’ of that border." Grenzefweiser explained. 

“In its 'historic' location, one side of the Irish border will be in the EU the other will be out of the EU.

“In Germany this is not the case, both sides will be in, free movement can occur and the problem is solved.” 

France is thought to have offered to take responsibility for the troublesome frontier but this was rejected over fears that eurosceptic Tories would not stomach two European borders being visible from the white cliffs of Dover on a clear day.