The Post Truth Post

Brexit saved as Irish border moved to Germany

Irish Border Backstop

A radical new German plan could solve the Brexit blocking Irish border backstop deadlock.

Politicians on both sides of the Brexit negotiating table have been unable to come up with a plan that allows the Irish border to continue to exist after Brexit, while not inconveniencing the people that live on either side of it.

All sides agree the border must remain soft while simultaneously stopping the flow of people and goods to and from the EU. Until now only theoretical physicists have been able to explain how this paradox would be possible. 

Following robust negotiations among the EU 27, Germany has offered to move the Irish border from the island of Ireland to mainland Europe for ‘safe keeping’.

Professor Hans Grenzewegweiser of the German Institute for Lines on a Map announced the Brexit breakthrough.

“We Germans have long admired the borders created by the English, we would, of course, have liked to take one of those straight and efficient ones from the Middle East, but this Irish one will do.”

The professor went on to explain that a border is a conceptual construct established through agreement between the political or social entities which control the territory where it is defined and as such can exist anywhere all parties can agree on.

"The problem you have with the Irish border is not the ‘border’ it is the ‘location’ of that border." Grenzefweiser explained. 

“In its 'historic' location, one side of the Irish border will be in the EU the other will be out of the EU.

“In Germany this is not the case, both sides will be in, free movement can occur and the problem is solved.” 

France is thought to have offered to take responsibility for the troublesome frontier but this was rejected over fears that eurosceptic Tories would not stomach two European borders being visible from the white cliffs of Dover on a clear day.

Suspicious package discovered in PM’s office identified as Irish backstop agreement

backstop agreement

Officials say a suspicious package discovered in Theresa May's office, with an Irish postmark and return address, has been identified as a harmless copy of the Irish backstop agreement.

Westminster was on lockdown this afternoon after a suspect package with an Irish postmark was delivered to the Prime Minister’s office.

The package was similar in appearance to those delivered to Waterloo Station, Heathrow Airport and London City Airport yesterday, which were later discovered to contain incendiary devices. 

Fortunately, Chris Grayling was attending PMQs so emergency services were already on hand as a precaution following yesterday’s kitchen fire.

Bomb disposal experts attended the scene, opening the package using a remote-controlled robot, to discover that it was the latest draft of the Irish backstop agreement, sent by the Oireachtas Éireann for Mrs May’s approval.

Police say the document is harmless to the public and poses no threat to MPs, a view that was immediately contested by the European Research Group. 

The ERG leader, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has called for a full investigation and destruction of any further copies of the backstop agreement that are discovered.

Contradicting the bomb disposal team Mr Rees-Mogg called the document a “significant threat to the country and highly incendiary.”