The Post Truth Post

Springwatch: May’s magic money tree in full bloom

Money Tree
Photo credit: Min An | Pexels

Gardeners at 10 Downing Street are reporting that thanks to the mild winter and a constant supply of Brexit bullshit the PM’s magic money tree is now in full bloom.

Theresa May's magic money tree had been thought to be dead following an overzealous pruning by Arlene Foster but is reported to be showing fresh growth this spring.

Mrs May asked her closest neighbour, Mrs Foster, to pop round and water the mythical shrub while she was on a walking holiday in 2017, but the DUP leader was later found to have cut it back by £1bn.

Fearing the plant was dead, Downing Street gardeners are understood to have thrown the tree’s lifeless stump onto the Brexit bullshit pile behind the potting shed, where it has now apparently shown new growth.

Keen gardener and Dish and Dishonesty extra, James Brokenshire, announced the new growth promising extra spending worth 58p per person in areas that voted leave in the Brexit referendum. 

The government came under immediate pressure from MPs about the small size of the magical-money-fruit and demanded considerably bigger bribes before they’d vote the PMs Brexit deal.

Labour MPs have been quick to point out that under a Labour government the magic money tree would be considerably bigger and bear more fruit, due to the years of gardening experience Jeremy Corbyn has amassed on his allotment.

Jeremy Corbyn thanks protester for eggs ahead of Pancake Day

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: DepositPhotos

The Labour leader has thanked a man who threw eggs at him and asked if anyone has some milk and flour he could borrow.

A man was arrested after an egg was thrown at the Labour Party leader while he visited a mosque in north London on Sunday.

A 41-year-old man was detained at the scene by Metropolitan Police officers and arrested on suspicion of assault and one-third of a pancake battery mix.

Corbyn, who received a police escort back to his allotment following the incident, later thanked the egg chucker on twitter.

“I’d like to thank the young man for his thoughtful gift of eggs and ask if others would be generous enough to lend me some milk and flour.

“It is Pancake Day this Tuesday and all I have in the cupboard are tins of beans.” 

While Mr Corbyn appears to have taken the egging in his stride Labour Party colleagues have condemned the egg donor.

Labour MP Jess Fishglove tweeted, “Acts of violence against politicians loses your argument, lessens your cause and demeans our democracy.

“If you must resort to a senseless waste of food to score a political point, I urge you to choose a vegan projectile.

“A tomato is just as effective as an egg and no chicken will have suffered for your cause.”