The Post Truth Post

COBRA meeting called as Chris Grayling makes pancakes for Cabinet

Fire Fighters
Photo credit: Pixels

Theresa May convened the UK’s emergency response committee this afternoon after Chris Grayling destroyed the House of Commons kitchens while making pancakes.

Grayling is understood to have offered to make pancakes for his Cabinet colleagues in an attempt to win favour following his numerous recent public gaffs.

The Secretary of State for Transport was spotted entering kitchens located under the Palace of Westminster with an ASDA bag full of pancake ingredients, including a large quantity of potentially flammable lard. 

The Prime Minister immediately called an emergency COBRA meeting when thick black smoke from the kitchens started to fill the building and emergency services attended the scene.

Mr Grayling was uninjured in the incident but will be taking some time off from ministerial duties to recover from the shock and for the good of the country as a whole. 

Springwatch: May’s magic money tree in full bloom

Money Tree
Photo credit: Min An | Pexels

Gardeners at 10 Downing Street are reporting that thanks to the mild winter and a constant supply of Brexit bullshit the PM’s magic money tree is now in full bloom.

Theresa May's magic money tree had been thought to be dead following an overzealous pruning by Arlene Foster but is reported to be showing fresh growth this spring.

Mrs May asked her closest neighbour, Mrs Foster, to pop round and water the mythical shrub while she was on a walking holiday in 2017, but the DUP leader was later found to have cut it back by £1bn.

Fearing the plant was dead, Downing Street gardeners are understood to have thrown the tree’s lifeless stump onto the Brexit bullshit pile behind the potting shed, where it has now apparently shown new growth.

Keen gardener and Dish and Dishonesty extra, James Brokenshire, announced the new growth promising extra spending worth 58p per person in areas that voted leave in the Brexit referendum. 

The government came under immediate pressure from MPs about the small size of the magical-money-fruit and demanded considerably bigger bribes before they’d vote the PMs Brexit deal.

Labour MPs have been quick to point out that under a Labour government the magic money tree would be considerably bigger and bear more fruit, due to the years of gardening experience Jeremy Corbyn has amassed on his allotment.