The Post Truth Post

Brits celebrate two consecutive days of beer garden weather in February

Two chaps with flights of beer
Photo credit: Elevate | Pixels

Record numbers of Brits will head to the nearest beer garden today as winter temperatures hit 20C for the first time. 

With dry January a distant and unpleasant memory and temperatures in the UK topping out at 20.6C on Monday afternoon, practically everyone will head to the pub this lunchtime.

Yesterday’s record temperatures caught many drinkers by surprise leaving them with little time to cancel lunchtime meetings or arrange childcare, but a second consecutive day of sunny weather will see record numbers drinking alfresco. 

Office worker, Mark Fishlove, who arrived at work this morning proudly wearing a pair of new Ray-Ban Aviator Classic sunglasses, told us.

“Yeah, totally caught out yesterday, sun’s out and there I am in a sales meeting, gutted. I’ve cleared my diary today so I'll definitely be heading out around twelve to catch the best of it.” 

Responding to the record temperatures, a Green party spokesman said the warmer temperatures were concerning considering the lack of proper beer gardens available to punters in inner-city areas.

She added: “I like a drink in the sun as much as anyone, but it is deeply concerning that people in cities may not be able to enjoy a cold lager in grassy surroundings.

“We are living through an age of climate change and warmer winters could become the norm. The Green party urges town planners to ensure that proper outdoor drinking facilities are provided for all.

“With air pollution rising year on year in cities, it is no longer acceptable to have people drinking on pavements breathing in diesel fumes while they enjoy the nice weather.”

Australia’s most senior Catholic to spend eternity down under as well

Welcome To Hell Road Sign
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Australian Cardinal George Pell has been found guilty of child sexual abuse, ensuring that he’ll continue to serve God from down under in the afterlife.

A jury found Pell guilty of abusing two choir boys in a Melbourne cathedral in 1996. He had pleaded not guilty, apparently forgetting that a fundamental pillar of his belief system is that the boss is all knowing.

The earthly court’s verdict was handed down in December but God is thought to have advertised the Cardinal’s spot in heaven on the celestial equivalent Craigslist as far back as 1982.

The 77-year-old Vatican treasurer will face sentencing hearings in Australia from Wednesday but contractors in Hell have been pulling double shifts to ensure his ‘special place’ will be fully operational when he arrives. 

“I appreciate the good work that the Vatican does in keeping our numbers up,” the Devil told us “but could I ask that you guys send us a few more builders once in a while?

“I’ve had to pull people off the Katie Hopkins' room, thanks to Donald Tusk and his big mouth, and all my best guys are tied up building a massive fiery wall in the Trump wing.

“Any chance you could make promising to be round on Tuesday and then disappearing for a month an actual sin and send a few gas fitters my way?”