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Australian Cardinal George Pell has been found guilty of child sexual abuse, ensuring that he’ll continue to serve God from down under in the afterlife.
A jury found Pell guilty of abusing two choir boys in a Melbourne cathedral in 1996. He had pleaded not guilty, apparently forgetting that a fundamental pillar of his belief system is that the boss is all knowing.
The earthly court’s verdict was handed down in December but God is thought to have advertised the Cardinal’s spot in heaven on the celestial equivalent Craigslist as far back as 1982.
The 77-year-old Vatican treasurer will face sentencing hearings in Australia from Wednesday but contractors in Hell have been pulling double shifts to ensure his ‘special place’ will be fully operational when he arrives.
“I appreciate the good work that the Vatican does in keeping our numbers up,” the Devil told us “but could I ask that you guys send us a few more builders once in a while?
“I’ve had to pull people off the Katie Hopkins' room, thanks to Donald Tusk and his big mouth, and all my best guys are tied up building a massive fiery wall in the Trump wing.
“Any chance you could make promising to be round on Tuesday and then disappearing for a month an actual sin and send a few gas fitters my way?”
The controversial dating site which matches lovelorn Jihadists has announced it is going into administration.
Directors of the company cited a sudden and rapid fall in new membership and recent bad publicity from dissatisfied brides for the company’s collapse.
The closure of the firm was announced in a brief statement on the company’s website.
“Our business has faced several difficulties including a sudden decline in the number of Jihadists in recent months, negative press from brides in the UK, and of course uncertainty around Brexit. It is with a heavy heart that we must announce we are filing for bankruptcy and will cease to operate with immediate effect.”
Jihadi Harmony gained a high profile with celebrity endorsements from the likes of Jihadi John and Jihadi Jane and quickly established itself in the competitive online dating market following its launch in 2015.
Despite initial success, the business model has suffered with many confirmed matches ending in US drone strikes and brides demanding refunds to return to the UK.