Australian Cardinal George Pell has been found guilty of child sexual abuse, ensuring that he’ll continue to serve God from down under in the afterlife.
A jury found Pell guilty of abusing two choir boys in a Melbourne cathedral in 1996. He had pleaded not guilty, apparently forgetting that a fundamental pillar of his belief system is that the boss is all knowing.
The earthly court’s verdict was handed down in December but God is thought to have advertised the Cardinal’s spot in heaven on the celestial equivalent Craigslist as far back as 1982.
The 77-year-old Vatican treasurer will face sentencing hearings in Australia from Wednesday but contractors in Hell have been pulling double shifts to ensure his ‘special place’ will be fully operational when he arrives.
“I appreciate the good work that the Vatican does in keeping our numbers up,” the Devil told us “but could I ask that you guys send us a few more builders once in a while?
“I’ve had to pull people off the Katie Hopkins' room, thanks to Donald Tusk and his big mouth, and all my best guys are tied up building a massive fiery wall in the Trump wing.
“Any chance you could make promising to be round on Tuesday and then disappearing for a month an actual sin and send a few gas fitters my way?”