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Shamima Begum says she has renounced ISIS and will join The Independent Group

Independent Group with Shamima Begum

Shamima Begum, the schoolgirl who fled London to join the Islamic State, was stripped of her British citizenship this week by Conservative leadership hopeful Sajid Javid.

Now stateless, it was expected that Ms Begum would apply for Bangladeshi citizenship before returning to the UK on a student visa, but in a surprise move, she has become the latest defector to join the new Independent Group.

The IS “poster girl”, currently a resident of a Syrian refugee camp told reporters of her new allegiance at her daily press briefing.

“I didn’t fancy Bangladeshi citizenship, innit, so I have renounced the Islamic State and have joined The Independent Group.

“It is with a heavy heart that I do this, I joined Daesh at 15, it has been my life, but ISIS has been taken over by an extremist minority who want to bring the Caliphate into the EU, and I can no longer sit by and watch that happen.”

Ms Begum’s defection from IS gives The Independent Group twelve seats in Parliament, moving them ahead of the Lib Dems in terms of votes and level pegging with the DUP for religious zealots.

The Independent Group’s website briefly displayed this statement before falling over.

“We welcome Ms Begum, as we welcome people from all failed political ideologies and hope that together we can overcome the extremist tendencies that a have infected both of the traditional political parties.”

Jeremy Corbyn was quick to respond calling for a by-election in the refugee camp and dispatching Derek Hatton to stand as Labour candidate for Baghuz.

British Leyland resurrected as Honda drives off into the sunset

British Leyland Logo
Photo credit: Foshie | Flickr

Brits could soon be driving the cars of yesteryear, as Honda and Nissan demonstrate that leave really does mean leave in Japanese.

With the two Japanese car manufacturers loading the roof rack for the long drive back to Tokyo, twice winner of the ministerial wooden spoon, Chris Grayling, announces a radical new plan to get post-Brexit Britain back on the road.

“I am pleased to announce my plan to revive the powerhouse of Great British automotive engineering that was, and will be, British Leyland”, Grayling told car workers. 

“This bold and may I say, cunning plan, will see motoring in this great country return to its glory days, the days of the Austin Allegro, the Metro and the Montego.

“Japanese car imports in the 1970s were in part responsible for the demise of British Leyland, so it is fitting that as we start this new chapter in our history, we also turn back a few pages.”

The move has been welcomed by the Labour Party who have cited the important role of trade unions and the labour movement in crippling the company the first time around, a spokesman told us.

 “We fully support the Government in this move, and look forward to calling an all out strike as soon as the production lines are up and running.”

Grayling played down the degree to which Brexit may have been a deciding factor for the Japanese firms' relocation but was keen to point out the advantage to the Brexit project of a reanimated British Leyland. 

“Whether Brexit finally happens or not, the sight of broken down Morris Marinas and Austin Maxis on the country’s hard shoulders will certainly give the impression the clock has been turned back to 1973."