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Peak rail fares to include a ‘remortgage your house’ option

Photo credit: Edgar Jiménez | Flickr

Traditional peak and off-peak rail fares are now so expensive that train operators will offer mortgages at ticket offices.

The Rail Operators Group, which represents train operators, wants to increase access to train travel by making it easier for people to finance tickets at the point of purchase.

The group argues that with the average cost of a peak return ticket from Manchester to Birmingham now equivalent to purchasing a house in both cities and a small holiday cottage somewhere in-between, passengers should be offered a range of new finance options at ticket offices. 

With approval from the Financial Conduct Authority, train operators will soon be able to act as credit brokers, offering a range of new credit options to cash-strapped commuters.

Passengers purchasing tickets for lower cost local journeys will be able to trade in excess gold or other valuables at ticket offices, which will now be operated by high street chain Cash Converters.

In conjunction with, rail operators will accept any car under three years old with a full service history, as a down payment against the cost of a single off-peak ticket.

Those looking to acquire an annual season ticket will be offered the option to release equity from their family home to fund it. A range of competitive mortgages and equity release schemes will be available for Gold Card holders.

Passengers with a credit rating that precludes them from one of the new finance packages will be able to reserve a standing spot, in the vestibule near the toilet, on any Intercity service in exchange for a redundant internal organ.  

A spokesman clarified that the organ donation scheme would only apply to single tickets due to concerns for the safety of passengers, who may be tempted to trade both kidneys in exchange for bank holiday travel.

Jimmy Carr to replace John Bercow as May accused of running down Brexit clock

Parliament Does Countdown - Brexit Edition

The host of 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jimmy Carr, is set to replace John Bercow as Speaker of the House of Commons.

The surprise appointment comes amid allegations that the Prime Minister is running down the clock on Brexit.

A brief press release on the official UK Parliament website announced the appointment.

“As host of Countdown Mr Carr has demonstrated his ability to compel comedians, clowns, and other assorted jokers, of all political persuasions, to solve impossible conundrums in a short period of time.

“With Brexit looming we hope that Speaker Carr, along with his big Countdown clock, will accelerate the process of debate at this crucial time for our country.”

Carr’s knowledge of parliamentary procedure may only stretch to a familiarity with tax avoidance loopholes, but his proficiency in dealing with hecklers is likely to further increase viewing figures for the BBC Parliament Channel.

While no official announcement has been made on the appointment of a new Deputy Speaker, bookmakers are already shortening the odds on Rachel Riley following Carr to Westminster.

Riley, a popular choice with the public and tabloid photo editors alike, may not be welcomed by the Labour frontbench, who have a poor track record with the Numbers round.