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No cold beans for you, Corbyn tells defectors

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: | Flickr

The Labour leader has lashed out at Labour Party defectors saying that when the revolution comes they will be last in line for cold baked bean rations.

Seven MPs have resigned from the Labour Party in protest over the enforced diet of cold, supermarket own brand, baked beans.

At a press conference, the seven told reporters they’d simply had enough of Corbyn's bland ideological diet of cold tinned beans.

“Labour has always been a big tent party, and like any party in a big tent, we believe there should be a full buffet, not just tins of beans." Gavin Shuker, MP for Luton South, told reporters. 

“We want a Labour Party that serves cheese and pineapple chunks on sticks, sausage rolls and Hamas for the Blairites.”

“Sorry, I’m mean ‘humous’ for the Blairites. We definitely don’t support Hamas.”

An infuriated Jeremy Corbyn hastily assembled his own press conference from the shed on his allotment, branding the seven as enemies of the revolution.

“I have tried to reason with them. I have extended to olive branch of Waitrose essential baked beans, but they have stabbed me and the Labour Party in the back, like a misplaced fork through a crop of organic potatoes.” Mr Corbyn said.

“But mark my words, when the revolution comes there will be no beans for these traitors, not Tesco value, nor Morrisons Market Street, not even Asda Smartprice.”

Peak rail fares to include a ‘remortgage your house’ option

Photo credit: Edgar Jiménez | Flickr

Traditional peak and off-peak rail fares are now so expensive that train operators will offer mortgages at ticket offices.

The Rail Operators Group, which represents train operators, wants to increase access to train travel by making it easier for people to finance tickets at the point of purchase.

The group argues that with the average cost of a peak return ticket from Manchester to Birmingham now equivalent to purchasing a house in both cities and a small holiday cottage somewhere in-between, passengers should be offered a range of new finance options at ticket offices. 

With approval from the Financial Conduct Authority, train operators will soon be able to act as credit brokers, offering a range of new credit options to cash-strapped commuters.

Passengers purchasing tickets for lower cost local journeys will be able to trade in excess gold or other valuables at ticket offices, which will now be operated by high street chain Cash Converters.

In conjunction with, rail operators will accept any car under three years old with a full service history, as a down payment against the cost of a single off-peak ticket.

Those looking to acquire an annual season ticket will be offered the option to release equity from their family home to fund it. A range of competitive mortgages and equity release schemes will be available for Gold Card holders.

Passengers with a credit rating that precludes them from one of the new finance packages will be able to reserve a standing spot, in the vestibule near the toilet, on any Intercity service in exchange for a redundant internal organ.  

A spokesman clarified that the organ donation scheme would only apply to single tickets due to concerns for the safety of passengers, who may be tempted to trade both kidneys in exchange for bank holiday travel.