The Post Truth Post

Corbyn dumped after forgetting Valentine’s Day

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: DepositPhotos

The Labour leader has been dumped by seven long term MPs who stated that they would rather be single than continue in a relationship with the Dangerous Hero. 

The mass dumping follows what is being called the “Valentine’s Day faux pas” by sources close to Corbyn, who is alleged to have forgotten to send Valentine’s Day cards to some of his MPs this year. 

At a press conference held by the seven defectors, Luciana Berger told reporters, “Valentine’s Day was the end of the line for me, the final straw”.

“For a while now, Jeremy hasn’t been representing me or my values. It was all about him, his career, his ideology, his allotment. 

“He pays little or no attention to me or my constituents and to top it all he forgot Valentine’s Day.” she sobbed. 

Berger continued, “I will be seeking full custody of my constituents, that’s for sure.”

Chuka Umunna, also thought to be one Valentine’s Day card short this year, told the press pack:

“Being single in parliament is quite a tough, especially in this day and age. 

“Sure people have tried it but no one takes you seriously, just look at poor Douglas Carswell, regardless, I’d rather be single than part of a union with Corbyn.”

Umunna updated his Facebook status to single shortly after the press conference and is clearly serious about the split as his Tinder profile now reads, “Recently single, seeking centre leftist for long term relationship, no Marxists, and no dick pics.”

No cold beans for you, Corbyn tells defectors

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: | Flickr

The Labour leader has lashed out at Labour Party defectors saying that when the revolution comes they will be last in line for cold baked bean rations.

Seven MPs have resigned from the Labour Party in protest over the enforced diet of cold, supermarket own brand, baked beans.

At a press conference, the seven told reporters they’d simply had enough of Corbyn's bland ideological diet of cold tinned beans.

“Labour has always been a big tent party, and like any party in a big tent, we believe there should be a full buffet, not just tins of beans." Gavin Shuker, MP for Luton South, told reporters. 

“We want a Labour Party that serves cheese and pineapple chunks on sticks, sausage rolls and Hamas for the Blairites.”

“Sorry, I’m mean ‘humous’ for the Blairites. We definitely don’t support Hamas.”

An infuriated Jeremy Corbyn hastily assembled his own press conference from the shed on his allotment, branding the seven as enemies of the revolution.

“I have tried to reason with them. I have extended to olive branch of Waitrose essential baked beans, but they have stabbed me and the Labour Party in the back, like a misplaced fork through a crop of organic potatoes.” Mr Corbyn said.

“But mark my words, when the revolution comes there will be no beans for these traitors, not Tesco value, nor Morrisons Market Street, not even Asda Smartprice.”