The Post Truth Post

Jimmy Carr to replace John Bercow as May accused of running down Brexit clock

Parliament Does Countdown - Brexit Edition

The host of 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jimmy Carr, is set to replace John Bercow as Speaker of the House of Commons.

The surprise appointment comes amid allegations that the Prime Minister is running down the clock on Brexit.

A brief press release on the official UK Parliament website announced the appointment.

“As host of Countdown Mr Carr has demonstrated his ability to compel comedians, clowns, and other assorted jokers, of all political persuasions, to solve impossible conundrums in a short period of time.

“With Brexit looming we hope that Speaker Carr, along with his big Countdown clock, will accelerate the process of debate at this crucial time for our country.”

Carr’s knowledge of parliamentary procedure may only stretch to a familiarity with tax avoidance loopholes, but his proficiency in dealing with hecklers is likely to further increase viewing figures for the BBC Parliament Channel.

While no official announcement has been made on the appointment of a new Deputy Speaker, bookmakers are already shortening the odds on Rachel Riley following Carr to Westminster.

Riley, a popular choice with the public and tabloid photo editors alike, may not be welcomed by the Labour frontbench, who have a poor track record with the Numbers round.

Dick who joined ISIS says he wants to ‘come home’ to the UK

Catalogue Pose Terrorist
Photo credit: Depositphotos

An utter bellend who thought it would be cool to go play terrorists in Syria wants to come home now all his mates have all been killed.

Some knob who grew up in England, benefited from the NHS, an education and a Playstation 4, decided it would be fun to join the Islamic State rather than spending his days shooting at them on Call of Duty like any normal teenager.

After his jihadi pals were vaporised by a few well-aimed AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, the tragic waste of oxygen wants to come home to his mummy.

“They seemed so cool back in 2015, every day you’d turn on the TV and there they were driving around in a Toyota Hi-Lux waving their AK47s”, the cockwomble told us.

“College sucked, I couldn’t get laid, so what the hell I thought, I’m gonna go live in the Caliphate and be like a gangsta, innit.”

With the membership of ISIS officially reduced to two blokes and a goat hiding in a sewage ditch near Baghuz on the Iraq-Syria border, the future looks bleak for the estimated 3000 foreign fighters now looking to come home.

A spokesman for the Home Office gave this advice for any British fighter wishing to return. 

“If they could just give us their exact location, both longitude and latitude preferably, we’ll make sure to send them a special gift and have them on their way to those 72 virgins just a soon as we can.”