An utter bellend who thought it would be cool to go play terrorists in Syria wants to come home now all his mates have all been killed.
Some knob who grew up in England, benefited from the NHS, an education and a Playstation 4, decided it would be fun to join the Islamic State rather than spending his days shooting at them on Call of Duty like any normal teenager.
After his jihadi pals were vaporised by a few well-aimed AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, the tragic waste of oxygen wants to come home to his mummy.
“They seemed so cool back in 2015, every day you’d turn on the TV and there they were driving around in a Toyota Hi-Lux waving their AK47s”, the cockwomble told us.
“College sucked, I couldn’t get laid, so what the hell I thought, I’m gonna go live in the Caliphate and be like a gangsta, innit.”
With the membership of ISIS officially reduced to two blokes and a goat hiding in a sewage ditch near Baghuz on the Iraq-Syria border, the future looks bleak for the estimated 3000 foreign fighters now looking to come home.
A spokesman for the Home Office gave this advice for any British fighter wishing to return.
“If they could just give us their exact location, both longitude and latitude preferably, we’ll make sure to send them a special gift and have them on their way to those 72 virgins just a soon as we can.”