The Post Truth Post

Dick who joined ISIS says he wants to ‘come home’ to the UK

Catalogue Pose Terrorist
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An utter bellend who thought it would be cool to go play terrorists in Syria wants to come home now all his mates have all been killed.

Some knob who grew up in England, benefited from the NHS, an education and a Playstation 4, decided it would be fun to join the Islamic State rather than spending his days shooting at them on Call of Duty like any normal teenager.

After his jihadi pals were vaporised by a few well-aimed AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, the tragic waste of oxygen wants to come home to his mummy.

“They seemed so cool back in 2015, every day you’d turn on the TV and there they were driving around in a Toyota Hi-Lux waving their AK47s”, the cockwomble told us.

“College sucked, I couldn’t get laid, so what the hell I thought, I’m gonna go live in the Caliphate and be like a gangsta, innit.”

With the membership of ISIS officially reduced to two blokes and a goat hiding in a sewage ditch near Baghuz on the Iraq-Syria border, the future looks bleak for the estimated 3000 foreign fighters now looking to come home.

A spokesman for the Home Office gave this advice for any British fighter wishing to return. 

“If they could just give us their exact location, both longitude and latitude preferably, we’ll make sure to send them a special gift and have them on their way to those 72 virgins just a soon as we can.”


Five Valentine’s Day dinner ideas for the cash-strapped Cupid

The Post Truth Post Chef
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Can’t afford a Morrisons Sweetheart steak? Don’t want to splash out on an M&S Love Sausage? Here are five meal ideas that won’t break the bank this Valentine’s Day.

Pancakes

Nobody actually knows when pancake day is, use this to your advantage. Surprise your other half with a massive pile of fried lard and flour. If they question the ruse, distract them by suggesting where you’ll be spreading the Nutella after the meal.

Salad 

While not suitable for all couples, if one of you is vegan and the other isn't, a bag of salad leaves could save your bacon. 

Simply grab a bag of prepared salad and serve while telling your valentine you’ve decided to become vegan. His or her joy at you joining their religion will distract them from the lack of effort you’ve made with dinner.

Pot Noodle 

This is one for the aspiring chefs. Take two Pot Noodles, or if you are feeling fancy Pot Rice, and add boiling water. Set the contents of the pots aside and bury the packaging deep in the kitchen bin. 

Serve the delicious steaming noodles on a roof tile or other chefy plate alternative. As they say on Master Chef “the first taste is with the eyes”.

A delicious, locally sourced, kebab

Chances are you and your betrothed shared a kebab on your first date or the night that you drunkenly proposed in the back of an Uber. If so, show him or her that you still remember the romance of that evening by serving up a large mixed shish washed down with a few tins of Carling.

Set fire to the oven

Can’t cook won’t cook but want to show your spouse you care? Put a pair of old socks in the oven at 250℃ / gas mark 7. While the socks roast to a crisp, print out a romantic recipe from the internet and place it prominently on the kitchen counter. 

As your spouse arrives home simply remove the now fully charred socks from the oven and place directly in the bin. Show him or her the recipe while apologising profusely and dialling for a pizza.