The Post Truth Post

Five Valentine’s Day dinner ideas for the cash-strapped Cupid

The Post Truth Post Chef
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Can’t afford a Morrisons Sweetheart steak? Don’t want to splash out on an M&S Love Sausage? Here are five meal ideas that won’t break the bank this Valentine’s Day.

Pancakes

Nobody actually knows when pancake day is, use this to your advantage. Surprise your other half with a massive pile of fried lard and flour. If they question the ruse, distract them by suggesting where you’ll be spreading the Nutella after the meal.

Salad 

While not suitable for all couples, if one of you is vegan and the other isn't, a bag of salad leaves could save your bacon. 

Simply grab a bag of prepared salad and serve while telling your valentine you’ve decided to become vegan. His or her joy at you joining their religion will distract them from the lack of effort you’ve made with dinner.

Pot Noodle 

This is one for the aspiring chefs. Take two Pot Noodles, or if you are feeling fancy Pot Rice, and add boiling water. Set the contents of the pots aside and bury the packaging deep in the kitchen bin. 

Serve the delicious steaming noodles on a roof tile or other chefy plate alternative. As they say on Master Chef “the first taste is with the eyes”.

A delicious, locally sourced, kebab

Chances are you and your betrothed shared a kebab on your first date or the night that you drunkenly proposed in the back of an Uber. If so, show him or her that you still remember the romance of that evening by serving up a large mixed shish washed down with a few tins of Carling.

Set fire to the oven

Can’t cook won’t cook but want to show your spouse you care? Put a pair of old socks in the oven at 250℃ / gas mark 7. While the socks roast to a crisp, print out a romantic recipe from the internet and place it prominently on the kitchen counter. 

As your spouse arrives home simply remove the now fully charred socks from the oven and place directly in the bin. Show him or her the recipe while apologising profusely and dialling for a pizza. 


Get your baps out for Brexit says Johnson

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Leading Brexiteers are urging women to get their tits out and show Brussels what they’ve got.

A rather excited Boris Johnson, architect of the soft protest, announced the move.

“There I was watching Good Morning Britain and would you believe it topless totty.” he exclaimed.

Johnson is believed to be referring to economist, Dr Victoria Bateman, who appeared nude on the ITV breakfast show, this morning, with a slogan 'Brexit leaves Britain naked’ written across her breasts. 

“Well I thought, what better way to show the EU that we’re ready for a good hard Brexit than a bunch of Brexit babes with their baps out.

“I’ll, of course, be leading this part of the campaign from the front and personally emblazoning each pair of bristols with a leave slogan about NHS funding and the like.” 

Johnson went on to pontificate about British culture being the best in the world, sighting Page 3, Carry On films and Benny Hill as examples.

Asked by reporters whether he thought women should go the full monty Johnson responded:

“Ah no, I don’t believe that will be necessary, I think the public have seen enough Brexiteer c***s.”