The Post Truth Post

Qui-Gon Jinn admits he wanted to kill droids

Qui-Gon Jinn
Photo credit: Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Rights Reserved

The Jedi master says he went hunting for battle droids after a Roomba spread Massiff shit over his carpet.

In an exclusive interview* with The Post Truth Post, Jinn told us how as a young Jedi he actively sought out droids with the intent of killing them.

“I’d come back from the Jedi temple one evening to find my pet Massiff had had a little accident on the carpet.” Master Jinn explained.

“Bad enough, but my Roomba droid had spread it all over the floor.

"Seriously, my carpet looked like a brown star field during the jump to hyperspace.” he chuckled. 

Qui-Gon told us how in his rage at the domestic appliance he wanted to avenge his ruined rug and set out to pick a fight with any droid that crossed his path.

“It was like a red mist, I went to a trade negotiation armed with a lightsaber for fucks sake. 

"When the battle droids turned up, I admit it, I just slaughter them, and then I felt bad about it and went for a power walk.”

Ask whether racism or lazy stereotyping had lead to his actions a thoughtful Qui-Gon responded.

“No, of course not, I’m talking about machines but I’m sure Jar Jar could tell you a thing or two about that.”

* Spoiler alert: He’s not dead…

Corbyn calls for June election to coincide with Glastonbury

Jeremy Corbyn Glastonbury 2017
Photo credit: Raph_PH | Flickr

Jeremy Corbyn has called for a snap June general election in the hope that it secures him a return to Glastonbury’s Pyramid stage.

The Labour leader, who has been struggling with the political equivalent of that ‘difficult third album’ since his 2017 Glastonbury performance, is hoping the publicity boost from a snap election in June will see him invited back to Glastonbury’s famous stage.

Popular on the squat scene and at miners benefit gigs during the 1980s, Corbyn remained a much loved but largely cult act until his back catalogue was rediscover by the millennial generation.

His newfound popularity with millennials saw him take the Labour Party back to its leftwing agitpop roots in 2015, leading to his now legendary Glastonbury performance. 

In a  stripped back acoustic set, Jeremy delivered fan favourites like The Elites Got It Wrong, Build Bridges Not Walls and For The Many Not The Few to rapturous applause in 2017. 

However, like many a reformed Indie act before him, Corbyn's new material has not been well received and some predicted 2019 would see him return to busking for the queue at the Shiiine On Weekender.

While both the general election and full Glastonbury line-up are still to be confirmed, Theresa May has recently been connected with rapper Plan B and Stormzy, a Corbyn fan, is rumoured to have headline slot. 

Fans are still unlikely to see a televised leaders debate this summer but could be in for a treat if the two party leaders go head to head at Worthy Farm.