The Post Truth Post

Donald Tusk: A special place in ‘Hull’ not ‘hell’

Donald Tusk
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Donald Tusk says he has been misquoted and wants to see the leaders of Brexit move to Hull and try living on Universal Credit.

The European Council President who has been widely quoted as saying he has “been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out”, has clarified his intent.

“Perhaps it was my foreign accent that made your northern city of ‘Hull’ sound like the imagined fiery pits of hell.” he told reporters.

“What I was trying to convey is that those who promoted this Brexit with out a plan, people like Boris, Gove, Rees-Mogg and Farage, should try living in a city hit by austerity, like Hull.

“These are people that have imposed austerity, cut benefits and presided over the systematic destruction of industry in Northern cities.

“As punishment for this crime, I humbly suggest, they are sent to Hull to live on Universal Credit.

“I mean no offence to your wonderful city, I just wish to see these clowns suffer and I believe your system of Universal Credit to be a cruel and unusual punishment worthy of Beelzebub.”

Qui-Gon Jinn admits he wanted to kill droids

Qui-Gon Jinn
Photo credit: Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Rights Reserved

The Jedi master says he went hunting for battle droids after a Roomba spread Massiff shit over his carpet.

In an exclusive interview* with The Post Truth Post, Jinn told us how as a young Jedi he actively sought out droids with the intent of killing them.

“I’d come back from the Jedi temple one evening to find my pet Massiff had had a little accident on the carpet.” Master Jinn explained.

“Bad enough, but my Roomba droid had spread it all over the floor.

"Seriously, my carpet looked like a brown star field during the jump to hyperspace.” he chuckled. 

Qui-Gon told us how in his rage at the domestic appliance he wanted to avenge his ruined rug and set out to pick a fight with any droid that crossed his path.

“It was like a red mist, I went to a trade negotiation armed with a lightsaber for fucks sake. 

"When the battle droids turned up, I admit it, I just slaughter them, and then I felt bad about it and went for a power walk.”

Ask whether racism or lazy stereotyping had lead to his actions a thoughtful Qui-Gon responded.

“No, of course not, I’m talking about machines but I’m sure Jar Jar could tell you a thing or two about that.”

* Spoiler alert: He’s not dead…