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Teens carrying knives to be sent to bed early with no screen time

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New powers to control teenagers who carry knives will include banning them from Facebook and sending them to bed early.

In an astonishingly middle-class response to the ongoing issue of knife-crime in deprived areas, Sajid Javid has given police new powers to send ‘naughty-children with knives' to bed with no screen time.

The Home Secretary’s Knife Crime Prevention Orders will target anyone 12 or over suspected of being involved with knife crime or carrying a blade. 

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The Orders will give police a range of radical new powers that previously have been reserved for the parents of middle-class teenagers who have started ‘acting out’.

Suspects guilty of offences relating to knife crime could be subject to one or more of the following sanctions:

  • Drill music to be listened to with headphones and at an appropriate volume.
  • Accepting their mum’s Facebook friend request and liking her comments.
  • Screen time restricted to 20 minutes and only under parental supervision in the sitting room.
  • Early bedtime on school nights once homework is complete.
  • Grounding for up to two weeks and required to help with the housework.

The Home Secretary apparently stopped short of suggesting that suspects are sent to bed early without dinner, as surprisingly even he recognises that kids in deprived areas rarely get dinner before bed. 

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