The Post Truth Post

Teens carrying knives to be sent to bed early with no screen time

Angry iPhone
Photo credit: by Pexels

New powers to control teenagers who carry knives will include banning them from Facebook and sending them to bed early.

In an astonishingly middle-class response to the ongoing issue of knife-crime in deprived areas, Sajid Javid has given police new powers to send ‘naughty-children with knives' to bed with no screen time.

The Home Secretary’s Knife Crime Prevention Orders will target anyone 12 or over suspected of being involved with knife crime or carrying a blade. 

The Orders will give police a range of radical new powers that previously have been reserved for the parents of middle-class teenagers who have started ‘acting out’.

Suspects guilty of offences relating to knife crime could be subject to one or more of the following sanctions:

  • Drill music to be listened to with headphones and at an appropriate volume.
  • Accepting their mum’s Facebook friend request and liking her comments.
  • Screen time restricted to 20 minutes and only under parental supervision in the sitting room.
  • Early bedtime on school nights once homework is complete.
  • Grounding for up to two weeks and required to help with the housework.

The Home Secretary apparently stopped short of suggesting that suspects are sent to bed early without dinner, as surprisingly even he recognises that kids in deprived areas rarely get dinner before bed. 

Cancelled blood donor sessions in Kent could see Westminster Vampires go hungry

Blood Donor
Photo credit: Amornthep Srina

The cancellation of blood donor sessions, over traffic congestion fears around channel ports in the lead up to Brexit, may leave Westminster blood-suckers critically short of food.

NHS Blood and Transplant centres in Kent will close two weeks before the UK leaves the EU on March 29th and for six weeks after.

This follows concerns that a no-deal Brexit could lead to gridlock around the ports of Dover and Folkestone, stopping teams from transporting donations to the bloodsuckers occupying the Palace of Westminster.

The decision, made today, is likely to anger Parliamentarians as Kent is a popular source of fresh blood due to the short transfer distances to London.

With Parliament using the long dark nights, usually reserved for winter hunting, to vote on endless amendments to the Prime Minister's EU Withdrawal Bill, alternative supplies of blood are being sought.

“They dare not vote during daylight hours” hunch-backed civil servant, Igor, told us. 

“We rarely see them during the day, winter is usually a frenzied time feeding for the Masters.”

MPs keen to receive their daily dose of O-negative may have to revert to human sacrifices in order to feed their lustful desires.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is apparently chairing a cross-bench committee to research an arcane parliamentary procedure that would allow for these sacrifices to be resumed.

While alternative sources of human blood are investigated rat traps will be deployed around the Commons. 

“The masters are not keen on the blood of rat, a little to close to home if you know what I mean.” Igor chuckled.

“But it’s either the rats or their constituents and they can’t stand the sight of them.”