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Number 10 appoints Fiona Bruce as minister for interrupting Diane Abbott

Fiona Bruce - BBC Question Time
Photo credit: BBC - Question Time

Broadcaster, Fiona Bruce, has been appointed as minister for interrupting the shadow home secretary, Diane Abbott, following her Question Time triumph.

Number 10 announced the surprise appointment this morning, stating that based on Ms Bruce’s “stunning” performance on last Thursday’s edition of the political debate show, her presence on the front benches should greatly ease the passage of parliamentary business.

Fiona Bruce, who took the reins of Question Time earlier this month, has been criticised by Abbott for interrupting her “thirty or fourthly [sic] billion-trillion times” during last week’s hour-long show.

A poll, conducted by Ms Abbott during the broadcast, alleges that she was interrupted, by Bruce, on average 8 million times more than, Tory MP Rory Stewart. Although this number has been subsequently amended by her office and now stands at just 8 times more. 

A spokesman for Number 10, announcing Ms Bruce’s appointment said: “With the Brexit deadline looming, the Government is cognisant of the need to expedite all parliamentary business. 

“With the greatest respect to The Right Honourable Member for Hackney North and Stoke Newington, we note that Ms Abbott does rather go on.

“As such, we are pleased that Ms Bruce has accepted a role as minister and will, going forward, hold sole responsibility for interrupting the Shadow Home secretary during parliamentary sessions.”

When asked for comment, a Labour press officer told us: “Sorry, can’t talk now, Diane’s telling us about her Question Time appearance. Can I call you back in a day or two?” 

Palace confirms Duke of Edinburgh totalled car swerving to avoid a ‘peasant’ in the road

Baldrick with Pheasant
Photo credit: The Daily Mail

Buckingham Palace has corrected earlier reports that said the, 97 year old, Duke rolled his car while swerving to avoid a ‘pheasant’, on the Queen’s Sandringham estate.

The Duke of Edinburgh, who walked away from the twisted wreckage of his rolled Range Rover this week, has clarified the circumstances of the incident, in which his car collided with another vehicle.

Eyewitnesses that helped Prince Philip from his vehicle following the crash reported that he was shaken but unhurt and muttering incoherently about a “bloody pheasant” that allegedly “came out of nowhere”.

A statement, issued on behalf of the Duke, sheds more light on the circumstances of the crash.

“The Duke would like to clarify that he did not swerve to avoid a ‘pheasant’ as reported by some despicable tabloid sources.

“He is a keen and accomplished game Huntsman and is known to take any opportunity to kill or maim a pheasant, whether it is with a car, a shotgun or, on occasion, his bare hands.

“Prince Philip would, however, like to apologise for any inappropriate language he used in his shocked and shaken state following the crash.

“In particular, he sends his deepest apologies to the occupants of the Ford Kia, for referring to them as ‘bloody peasants that came out of nowhere’.”