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Palace confirms Duke of Edinburgh totalled car swerving to avoid a ‘peasant’ in the road

Baldrick with Pheasant
Photo credit: The Daily Mail

Buckingham Palace has corrected earlier reports that said the, 97 year old, Duke rolled his car while swerving to avoid a ‘pheasant’, on the Queen’s Sandringham estate.

The Duke of Edinburgh, who walked away from the twisted wreckage of his rolled Range Rover this week, has clarified the circumstances of the incident, in which his car collided with another vehicle.

Eyewitnesses that helped Prince Philip from his vehicle following the crash reported that he was shaken but unhurt and muttering incoherently about a “bloody pheasant” that allegedly “came out of nowhere”.

A statement, issued on behalf of the Duke, sheds more light on the circumstances of the crash.

“The Duke would like to clarify that he did not swerve to avoid a ‘pheasant’ as reported by some despicable tabloid sources.

“He is a keen and accomplished game Huntsman and is known to take any opportunity to kill or maim a pheasant, whether it is with a car, a shotgun or, on occasion, his bare hands.

“Prince Philip would, however, like to apologise for any inappropriate language he used in his shocked and shaken state following the crash.

“In particular, he sends his deepest apologies to the occupants of the Ford Kia, for referring to them as ‘bloody peasants that came out of nowhere’.”

Mr Burns to halt work on Wylfa Newydd nuclear plant

Wylfa Newydd
Photo credit: Department of Energy and Climate Change

Charles Montgomery Burns has halted construction on the billionaire tyrant’s first UK nuclear plant because of rising construction costs.

The decision puts the jobs of 9000 workers, at the Wylfa Newydd site in  Anglesey, at risk and has been met with surprisingly mixed reactions by representatives Nuclear Industry Association. 

NIA UK spokesman, Homer Simpson, appeared initially dismayed by news of the project's suspension but appeared to rally when it was explained to him, by reporters, that he would not need to come to work in the morning.

“Woohoo, more time to drink beer and phone LBC to complain about Brexit” he commented, before dropping his hard hat and running toward the carpark.

Mr Burns, a controversial figure, who ran for governor in his home state of Oregon on a platform to reduce nuclear safety standards and famously drained Loch Ness in May 1999, is reported to be meeting with Jacob Rees-Mogg later today.

Asked if he would be discussing the suspension of the project with Burns, Mr Rees-Mogg replied:

“I think what one megalomanic discusses with another in the comfort of his own club is rather his own business, don’t you?”