The Post Truth Post

Mr Burns to halt work on Wylfa Newydd nuclear plant

Wylfa Newydd
Photo credit: Department of Energy and Climate Change

Charles Montgomery Burns has halted construction on the billionaire tyrant’s first UK nuclear plant because of rising construction costs.

The decision puts the jobs of 9000 workers, at the Wylfa Newydd site in  Anglesey, at risk and has been met with surprisingly mixed reactions by representatives Nuclear Industry Association. 

NIA UK spokesman, Homer Simpson, appeared initially dismayed by news of the project's suspension but appeared to rally when it was explained to him, by reporters, that he would not need to come to work in the morning.

“Woohoo, more time to drink beer and phone LBC to complain about Brexit” he commented, before dropping his hard hat and running toward the carpark.

Mr Burns, a controversial figure, who ran for governor in his home state of Oregon on a platform to reduce nuclear safety standards and famously drained Loch Ness in May 1999, is reported to be meeting with Jacob Rees-Mogg later today.

Asked if he would be discussing the suspension of the project with Burns, Mr Rees-Mogg replied:

“I think what one megalomanic discusses with another in the comfort of his own club is rather his own business, don’t you?” 

Brexit negotiating table urges party leaders to take a seat and get on with it

Brexit table
Photo credit: Depositphotos

The ten-meter long chunk of Regency walnut, known to janitorial staff as Harold, has issued a statement urging MPs to just get on with it.

“I’ve been a Commons negotiating table since 1823”, Harold told journalists, “and I’ve seen the best of them come and go, but this current lot really ‘crack my varnish’. If you know what I mean.”

“One day the Brexit deal is on me, then it’s off me, then no-deal is allowed on me, then that's off me too. I mean, this isn’t a negotiation, it’s a kids party game. In out, in out, shake it all a-fuckin-bout.

“What’s really got my castors in a twist this week is that only now, after two years of this Brexit nonsense, has the Prime Minister finally invited the other leaders to take a seat in my sumptuous leather chairs.

“Of course, that Corbyn won't take a seat until no-deal is back off me. Typical. Not that I want him ringing my wood with his herbal-teacup anyway.

“What’s the first rule of negotiation? Get everyone around the table.” 

“I’m a lump of fucking wood and even I know that. These politicians make me sick.”