The ten-meter long chunk of Regency walnut, known to janitorial staff as Harold, has issued a statement urging MPs to just get on with it.
“I’ve been a Commons negotiating table since 1823”, Harold told journalists, “and I’ve seen the best of them come and go, but this current lot really ‘crack my varnish’. If you know what I mean.”
“One day the Brexit deal is on me, then it’s off me, then no-deal is allowed on me, then that's off me too. I mean, this isn’t a negotiation, it’s a kids party game. In out, in out, shake it all a-fuckin-bout.
“What’s really got my castors in a twist this week is that only now, after two years of this Brexit nonsense, has the Prime Minister finally invited the other leaders to take a seat in my sumptuous leather chairs.
“Of course, that Corbyn won't take a seat until no-deal is back off me. Typical. Not that I want him ringing my wood with his herbal-teacup anyway.
“What’s the first rule of negotiation? Get everyone around the table.”
“I’m a lump of fucking wood and even I know that. These politicians make me sick.”